“It’s so nerve wracking.”
“It is.”
“How are you feeling?”
“The hurt is still there but I’m feeling more validated, which helps. I’m relieved that it looks like we’re going to come through this stronger. Mostly I’m just trying to stay present.”
“Me too.”
“You can leave if you need to. I’ll understand.”
“No. I want to stay. This is an example of it. I’m uncomfortable but I can deal with it. I’m staying in the discomfort, and I’m sure it will pass. I know you have my best interests at heart. I think it’ll help in the long run, to sit with this feeling instead of distracting myself from it.”
“Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?”
Lily smiled, gently. “Just being here together is more than enough. I’m sorry I’m like a flighty bird.”
“The cutest flighty bird.”
Lily chuckled. “Thanks for being so patient with me. I’m still learning this stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“Relationships. My patterns.”
“Me too.”
“Full disclosure I spoke with this world expert in couples counselling today. Let’s just say it made me see myself clearer, and us. That’s why I raced over to see you.”
“How do I thank this person?”
Lily laughed. “Her name is Dr Elena Muller. But let’s see if I can put it into practice before thanking her? I want to try, and I hope you know that.”
I stroked Lily’s hands, running my fingers over them gently, feeling fully connected to her again. It had been too long. The thought of not having Lily in my life, of her not wanting to see me or talk to me was at this point, unthinkable. I shuddered the thought away, so grateful to be here right now talking everything out and paving the way for our future together. Because it felt like we were both equally as motivated to create a healthy and sustainable relationship. It all felt so grown up and mature, in the best possible way.
But I still had plenty of stuff to apologise for and I was going to do this right, because she meant so much to me. “What I said to you about your drinking, Lily, I’m deeply sorry. I had no right. And I’m so sorry for crowding you too much. I see it now, and I shouldn’t have said you were wrongly blaming me because you dove straight into your podcast. You were feeling overwhelmed. By the podcast and by our relationship. I get it.”
Lily shook her head. “It’s honestly fine. I can see why you would find it strange given how out of nowhere the podcast came from and became successful. It’s totally understandable you’d be like, why the fuck is she doing all this and then sayingI’moverwhelming her?”
“You’re being so good about it.”
“I did throw myself into it and I did get overwhelmed by the podcast, and I think that’s why I found it more difficult to attend to what was going on between us. I seem to have this drive to put myself out there and take risks. I didn’t stop to think about the consequences before I launched right into it.”
“Maybe this is one of your best qualities in that you get things done, you just go for it. It’s why you were such a successful footballer. And now you’re processing your life through your podcast, learning with your listeners and exploring all these ideas. You’re using your platform for a good purpose. You’re a true leader, Ms Captain of England, and I adore you for it. You’re amazing, Lily, really.”
“Aw, thanks. But I do need to learn how to slow down and examine myself and the world around me more. And my relationships. I’ve been far to go-go-go for years. Like, I want to feel more connected to my body, not just as an instrument for playing football, but as a real living human being. And my mind. I do really love learning and exploring different ideas. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have something to offer besides my physicality.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” I affirmed. But I had more to say. “As for all the things we said to each other, maybe we needed to say it. All of it. We’ve been too polite with each other. I think at some point in a relationship you have to let the other person fully in and see the parts of yourself you’d rather hide, otherwise they can’t really know you. It’s not real.”
“I agree with you. We did need to be more real.”
“I really want to repair things with you. I hope this marks the beginning of that.”
“It does.” Lily smiled, warmly. I was starting to feel more reassured that we were going to come out of this stronger.
Lily looked like she had more to say. “On your point about my drinking, you were right. I have been drinking too much. I take a drink to avoid dealing with my feelings. I think it numbs me or whatever. After I left football it was the only thing that felt exciting for a while. I never let myself indulge in things in the past because I was so focused on myfootball and on keeping my body in good shape. I’d binge on the off season while on holiday. That was the pattern. I guess I just didn’t know how to move past the idea that I was still on the off season from my football career. But now I see that I don’t need it. It’s not the solution. I have my new path now and I have you. That’s what matters. You brought it to my attention, Rona, and I really value that. I really appreciate that you brought it up. It shows me that you care about me and are going to have my back even when I don’t have my own.”
“I care about you so much. I didn’t know how to talk to you about it earlier. I’ve been worried pretty much our whole relationship about it.”
