“Is it because I left so abruptly after? My men were in trouble. I had to go. It had nothing to do with what had just happened.”
“That’s not it.”
He caught her jaw with a gentle hand and forced her to look up at him. “What is it then?”
Something broke inside her. She couldn’t keep doing this with him. She kept reaching out to him and he kept pushing her away. And, all right, she would accept that. If he wanted to pull everything out into the open, then she’d do that too.
“You want to talk about it?” Whatever he saw on her face caused him to go absolutely still. “I’m angry because every time you touch me you tell me it’s a mistake. It’s insulting as hell, Casrian. Ithurts. I’m not angry about the sex. I’m angry because afterwards you told me you were happy you weren’t my first,but that you’d dutifully claim my child if it came to that, which by the way, you were my first. If we’re going to say everything that needs to be said before you ride off to glorious battle, then we might as well put that out there too. You just assumed I’ve fucked every man in Toam, but I haven’t.”
His brows drew together. “You said?—”
“You said not to tell you, and I said that I wouldn’t.”
He flinched, and she pushed on. “You accused me of chasing after you for…revenge, I think? And you might have called me a whore.” She waved her hand. “It blurs together, but trust me, I got the gist. You regret everything, and you don’t want anything to do with me now. This is you making a clean break before you go off to do noble things. So, no, I am not angry about the sex.” Her voice had started to rise, but she pulled it back at the last minute and the last word ended on more of a growl. “I’m angry that you’re throwing me away. Because I like you. Even if we can’t be together once we get out of here. I get that we can’t be together, but I’m not going to pretend this isn’t real.”
Casrian’s mouth was hanging open, and some distant part of her was amused that she’d finally, finally seen him undone. When she moved to walk away, his hand closed around her arm again, holding her in place. “No, Rowan. I’m a fumbling idiot, but no. You do not have the gist. What I should have said…what Ibelieveis that you’re a fucking angel who’s better off without me.”
She snorted and he pulled her closer.
“You’ve been through so much, and it hasn’t broken you. None of it has. You’re still good in here.” He placed his free hand over her heart. “And up here.” He touched her forehead. “You see things clearly. No bullshit. You can look at people like George and Tilly and still find the good in them. People like me, who have hurt you so terribly. No one else would have come out here with me to help find my men, no matter how desperatethey were. Not a single soul from the town or the church even considered it. But you came. And you never complained or gave up or even thought about running. You wouldn’t run even when I wanted you to. You healed me when anyone else with our history would have left me to rot. I’m apologizing for taking advantage of that. Because there’s no future with me and you deserve better.”
“You don’t get to say that,” she said. “I decide what I deserve.”
“You don’t even know what to ask for.” His smile was sad. “You deserve a home and someone who will take care of you. Someone who can wholeheartedly embrace everything you are. Not someone who’s out dealing with the most fucked up shit imaginable for ten months of the year. You’ve been hiding away in that shitty little village for years, and you don’t know what it will be like for you somewhere else. Other people will see you, and they’ll be glad to know you. I know with Jarn you don’t believe that, but it’s true. So, yes, I’m sorry for being a greedy asshole, for taking you up against a tree like a beast in a cursed wood. I hope you don’t have my child because it would only trap you, and you deserve a chance to get out of Toam and figure out what you want to do with your life. And maybe this is my punishment for what happened in Jarn. That you’re the best woman I’ve ever known and you’re as ungraspable as a fucking star. You’d burn me to cinders if I tried to hold you. You’re beautiful and smart and so fucking brave it scares the shit out of me. I never should have brought you out here. I never should have touched you. I am wretchedly, thoroughly sorry for it. Even if it was the most incredible fucking thing I’ve felt in my life.”
He caught her jaw and tilted her face up so she had to look at him. She could see the sincerity in his face and she had no idea what the fuck to do with it. She’d wanted to see behind the mask,and here he was. It felt like a hand wrapped around her heart, squeezing.
“I can’t decide if you’re a blessing or a curse. All I know is that I want to drag you away to a cave somewhere and never leave it. I made a mistake taking you out here because I got to have you to myself, even if only for a few days, and it’s killing me to let you go. I made a mistake because this place has only made me see you more clearly. The darkness doesn’t hide you. It only makes you shine brighter.”
He released her so abruptly she stumbled.
God.
Now her mouth was hanging open, staring at him as he pulled himself back together, dragging in a deep breath and then looking away, out into the night. He shook his head. “That’s what I needed to say.”
Her mouth went dry and she had trouble swallowing. There was only one thing she wanted to say.Don’t go.
But she couldn’t say those words. Just thinking them was selfish. The most selfish thing she’d ever thought to ask for. He was only going deeper into the woods to save his friend. To kill the witch and stop the corruption from continuing to leech into the land and its people. To save Tilly and George and all of the people like them.
He was doing a good thing, a heroic thing. None of this was an act for him. She couldn’t ask him to walk away.
“Casrian,” she whispered, but the rest of the words died on her tongue.
Don’t go.
Don’t go.
Don’t go.
There was an evil at the heart of the woods that could twist the natural world and turn men’s minds. And Casrian was good. He was. It was the thing that kept drawing her to him eventhough she should keep her distance. But how could he fight that?
He looked at her, his gaze softening. “What is it, angel? You can tell me anything.”
“I forgive you for Jarn,” she told him, because it was true and he deserved to know that. She’d held on to it for such a long time, but they both needed to let it go.
He closed his eyes for a beat, and she drew in a shaky breath. “You don’t need forgiveness for the rest. Truly.”
There was more to say but she couldn’t force the words out. Because she was a coward, no matter how brave he thought she was.
