Before my fear of touch manifested, I would spend my nights imagining someone was here with me. They would wrap me up in their arms and hold me tight, keeping me away from the storm that was my father.
I still had that dream, but it felt sadder now. I had my body pillow behind me as a makeshift person, and I’d do my best to pretend that I wasn’t alone.
But I was.
Taking a shaky breath, I tried to do what Scarlett had taught me. I tried to remind myself that I was doing the best I could, and one day, I wouldn’t be alone. I’d have someone with me.
In this moment, though, it felt like I was climbing amountain with no gear. The peak was impossible to reach and falling was far easier.
I drifted off with the familiar weight of hopelessness on my chest.
All I could do was hope that tomorrow would be a better day.
The next morning, I glared at myself in the mirror.
“You’re gonna go to that coffee shop and benormal.” I pointed a finger at my reflection. Then what I was doing hit me. “And you won’t talk to yourself anymore. Either way, you’ve got this.”
After a firm nod, I put my hair into a ponytail and turned to my closet. I refused to think too hard about leaving the house, so I focused on my outfit instead. I tried to find something cute to wear even when I was only at home, but now that I was determined to get out more, I wanted to wear all the things I never had a chance to.
I pulled out a floral print skirt and a long-sleeved pink shirt. My legs would be exposed, but at least my arms would be safe. I looked the part of normalcy once I was dressed.
Hopefully I’d act the part too.
It was a beautiful spring day, and the sun was warming everything up for one of the first times this year. Yesterday had been slightly cooler, and I was happy to feel the new season setting in.
Strawberry Springs was picturesque in the spring with the brightly colored buildings and pots of flowers all around the square. Even the air smelled sweet.
When I reached the sidewalk, I took a moment to absorb the sight before walking into The Reserved Bean.
Theo was at the front again, and I paused at the door to take him in. His hair was still tussled, dark locks all over the place. His flannel sleeves were rolled up, once again revealing his tattoos and strong forearms.
Just like the last time I was here, my heart skipped a beat simply looking at him.
I shook it off and joined the line, but as I waited, my eyes followed his every movement. He spoke in short sentences with everyone, and I had a feeling he had a lot more thoughts than he shared. I wondered how I could get him to tell me everything.
Shaking the thought out of my head, I stepped to the front of the line.
“Hi,” I said. “I’m back.”
Theo glanced up at me. He paused for all of one second, eyes locked onto my face, and then he looked back at his register.
“Hey. What can I get you?” His voice was different today, and it sounded exactly like the one he’d used with everyone else.
For a second, I paused. Then I shook my head and continued on. We’d talked the last time, and I was determined to do the same today.
“Do you wanna guess again?”
“I remember what you got. Black coffee. Want that again?”
Theo didn’t even look at me now. The day before yesterday, I could’ve sworn he neverstoppedlooking at me.
“Yes, please.”
An awkward silence settled over the two of us as he put the order in. Behind him, Kelsey looked up from her station and frowned.
So it wasn’t just me imagining it.
Theo and I had only talked once, but I found myself missing the tone he’d had before.
