Aliko
Leif is too forgiving. I feel like I should be suffering more than I am for what I did to him. I didn’t mean to hurt him, it was the last thing I wanted to do, but I did. And I should have to pay for that, shouldn’t I?
We love each other, and this is how I treated him? I just left him.
I just… left him.
I look down at him, the light from the TV causing small shadows across his face. We’ve been in bed for hours, just laying together. Making up for lost time, I guess. When he’s away from me, I feel physically ill. I don’t know how I survived weeks without him.
“I never want to be apart from you again,” I whisper, even though he can’t hear me.
He’s been sleeping for hours.
I kiss his forehead. He hums a satisfied sound and shifts closer, like even in his sleep he knows I’m here.
This is exactly where I wanted to be, but ever since seeing him, I feel like shit. I feel awful for what I did and guilt is eating me up. Even though I apologized many times, it doesn’t feel like enough. But I don’t know what else to do to make it up to him.
I spend the entire night watching him. Kissing him. Whispering my love to him. I hope, somehow, he’s aware of each and every one, even while he sleeps. If not, I’ll just do it all again when he wakes. And I’ll never stop.
Leif shifts, rolling onto his back and sucking in a sharp breath. His eyes pop open and he looks at me, blinking a few times.
“Did you sleep?” I don’t answer, which is telling enough. “Aliko, you need to sleep.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not taking care of yourself. I don’t like it.”
I huff a sound, then pull him to me. Can we just stay here forever? Safe, in this bed?
There are things we have to do—things I have to do. Like let everyone know that I’m back and give them a good enough reason as to why I left the way I did. I’m sure there is a lot of catching up to do with them too. Maybe they made plans for another tour. Maybe they made those plans without me.
If they want me out, it’s my own fault. I can only blame myself for making the decision I did.
It just really sucks that I let my insecurities win. Because that’s what happened. That’s what I did. I was weak and I hate myself for it.
I hug Leif a little tighter.
“How can I make this up to you?”
“It doesn’t have to be an instant thing, Aliko.”
“What do you mean?”
“Making it up to me. It won’t happen right now. It’ll happen in time. Show me you won’t do it again. That’s all I need from you.”
“I can. I will. I swear to you, Leif, I will never leave you again like that.”
“Then that’s all I need to know. So let it be for now. Let’s just… settle into our life together.”
Settle into our life together…
The words have my whole body growing warm and tingly.
“I’d love nothing more, my love.”
And we get started on it right away, with Leif getting up to shower and run through his morning routine, all while I keep my eyes on the door and to see him every time he passes it.
When he’s done, he goes into the kitchen to cook. I follow him, make coffee, and sit at the table to wait for it to be done, and for him to serve me food—because that’s what he loves doing.
