We rode in silence for a while, Liam gripping the reins but keeping his hands off me like he promised.
“Are you okay, Cerise?” he asked.
“Of course. Why do you ask?”
“Because your critical mother showed up and you immediately withdrew. I’ve never seen you look so…dispirited.”
“You’re speaking as if you know everything about me,” I snapped, unable to help myself. “We’ve only known each other for a few weeks. Perhaps I often have moments where I am—how did you put it?—dispirited.”
He tensed behind me. “All right then. I’ll go along with whatever it is you’re doing. We know absolutely nothing about each other. I must have been mistaken.”
Whatever I was doing…WhatwasI doing? Pushing him away, perhaps. So it would be easier to say goodbye? Honestly, I had no idea why I snapped at him. I was just so on edge.
A yellow butterfly danced in front of us and I followed it with my eyes, trying to steady myself, trying to tamp down on the turmoil of emotions churning in my gut.
“I don’t know what to say, Liam,” I whispered.
“I’d like to finish our conversation from this morning. Before we were interrupted.”
I chewed my lip. “All right…”
“You had been about to say you wanted to try…this. Us. Am I right?”
I looked ahead of us, but my mother was far out of ear shot, and I finally let myself relax into him. “I don’t know.”
“What’s making you hesitate? Tell me where your head is.”
I fidgeted with one of the reins and Liam took them in one hand, while his other gently clasped mine, his thumb brushing circles atop it.
“Is this okay?” he whispered.
I nodded as I gathered my words. “I lied earlier.”
“About what?”
“Though we haven’t known each other long, you were right. I have withdrawn. It’s almost impossible not to when she’s around. A habit, I suppose. A way to protect myself…I don’t know…” I shook my head. “When I was with you in that grotto…I had never felt so free. Actually, even before then. It probably started when you forced me to release those insects in Doctor Rosenshield’s tent…”
“But?” Liam asked after I was silent for a while.
“But I’m not sure I can do that back home. I will have so much work to do to catch up from being gone. I need to get back to my routine. I’ll probably have to start thinking of ideas for a research proposal if I ever have the chance of becoming dean. I don’t know if I can manage a long distance relationship on top of that.” As much as I wanted to try, I was scared it wouldn’t work. And that I would hurt Liam or myself in the process. “I just…of course I want to try. But also…”
Liam squeezed my hand. “I’m going to stop you right there, sunshine, before you stress yourself out even more. I’ve already told you what I wanted. But I understand your hesitance. This is far outside your comfort zone and it isn’t fair for me to push when you aren’t ready.”
“Thank you.”
There it was again. His ability to read me so well. It made my heart twist with something I couldn’t quite name.
“Here’s what we’ll do,” he continued. “We will say our goodbyes, as much as it pains me to do so, and go home. Get back into your routine and adjust to home life again. I know you need to think things through and go over every possible scenario in your head…am I right?”
I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. “Correct.”
“Well, then. You’ll do all of your thinking and then realize you’re bored out of your mind and miss me terribly.I’ll be expecting a letter from you begging me to visit within just a couple of weeks.”
His humor helped me relax. “Oh is that so?”
“Definitely,” he said, placing the subtlest of kisses on the back of my neck before removing his hand and straightening back up. “And I’ll be looking forward to it.”
Chapter 26
