“And you’re renting this place now? To live out some fantasy about animals? What happened to you? I know. I’ll call the owner of this establishment and tell them you made a mistake. You can get your money back. Then we’ll go to the dean and ask him to reinstate?—”
“Enough!”
My mother froze, her mouth open in shock. I had never raised my voice at her. Not once in my entire life.
“I made this decision on my own. I’ve wanted to be an animal healer since I was a child, but you didn’t listen. Youneverlisten to me. And you shamed me any time I brought it up or acted it out when I attempted to play—which by the way, you hardly let me do.” My voice cracked, my eyes glistening. “All you have ever cared about was yourself and your reputation. You’ve never truly cared about what I wanted and what would makemehappy. Do I like academia? Yes, I do. But only because you’ve pushed it on me since I could barely walk. I haven’t been truly happy in years. And it took everything that’s happened over the last few months for me to realize it wasn’t what I wanted. Life is so much more than working yourself to death just to climb the professional ladder.”
“But you’ve always wanted to be a dean, Cerise.” My mother’s voice was quiet.
“No.You’vealways wanted me to be a dean. And everything I’ve done…was to please you.” The tears were falling in earnest now. “I just wanted you to be proud of me. But I realized no matter what I do, you won’t be. There will always be something I could be doing better. I will never be good enough to be Anya Thornheart’s daughter.”
“That is not true,” my mother spat, getting defensive now, her shock turning to anger.
“Don’t wear your hair down, Cerise, it’s unprofessional.Sloppy women don’t win academic awards. You must always be on your toes. You never know who might be calling when you answer the phone. Don’t drink beer, it’s tacky. And so on…” I waved my hand. “Doesn’t that sound familiar?”
Fury flared in my mother’s eyes. “I guess I’m just a terrible mother, then. Everything I’ve ever done was for you. Your father left us all alone. Left me to raise you on my own. But I can see you don’t appreciate all I’ve sacrificed?—”
“Hedied, Mother!” I cut her off. “You act as though he did that on purpose. But I refuse to listen to you play the victim any longer. Every single time I try to express to you how I feel, you turn it around and make it about yourself. If you really think you’re a terrible mother, that’s on you. It is not my job to carry your emotions for you and make you feel good about yourself. I’m done.”
“Done? What does that even mean, Cerise? You can’t just be ‘done’ with your family.”
I shook my head. I didn’t owe her an explanation. She’d never listen anyway. “Get out.”
Her jaw ticked. “You’re joking.”
“Get. Out.”
She huffed. “You can’t just kick me out.”
“Yes, I can. Please leave. And until you can accept me for who I am and not who you are trying to mold me to be, I don’t want you in my life.”
“Have it your way. I can’t believe I raised such a cruel daughter,” she murmured as she turned around and left.
The moment the door closed I gasped, clutching my chest. Tears poured down my face, all of my insecurities and hurts along with them. I could hardly breathe as I let out a guttural sob. I didn’t regret what I had just done.
But now…now I needed to let it all out.
The door opened again and Rosamund rushed in with Emberly on her heels.
“Oh, CeCe,” Emberly cooed, wrapping her arms around me, Rosamund doing the same.
Someone’s hand rubbed my back. “It’s all right now. Let it go. Let it all go,” Rosamund comforted.
And so I did. I cried for the father I never knew, wondering if he would have been kind and supportive. I cried for my lost childhood, filled with strict schedules and education instead of games and joy. I cried for the years I spent thinking my value was determined by whatever my mother had deemed successful.
As my two best friends held me tight…I cried.
The only ones who accepted me for exactly who I was, quirks and all, and never once judged me or looked away or tried to mold me into something else.
And there was one other person who had done that for me.
“I have to make a phone call,” I said through my tears.
Chapter 43
Why?
Cerise
