“Exactly! What do I do?” I ask.
“What do you mean what do you do? What do youwantto do?”
“I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking you!” I almost shout, I’m way up in my head.
Arlo’s wearing his serious expression, and I don’t like it. That means he’s going to say something meaningful that I probably don’t want to hear.
“Micah, what do you want to happen with Diesel?” he asks softly.
I get up and pace around the office because I need to move when I think things through. There isn’t a lot of room in here. In my haste, I trip, barely missing my chair and almost face-planting on the old leather couch. At least it wouldn’t have hurt. Much. Graceful I am not.
“Micah?” Arlo’s voice brings me back to his question. Which I haven’t been avoiding. At all.
What do I want?
Well, I definitely want to have more sex with Troy, but I don’t want to ask him for it. And there’s the issue. Asking him for something, especially this, feels like too big a risk.
“I want more sex with Troy,” I say finally, feeling as if I’m standing here naked.
“Obviously. And what’s stopping you from asking for what you want?” he asks.
Sitting down, I bury my head in my hands, not sure I can look at his face when I answer.
“I don’t want to ask him,” I mumble.
Arlo just smiles.
“Why not?” he asks gently, rubbing a soothing hand down my back. It’s strangely reassuring, and that’s unexpected. I don’t do touchy-feely, but I don’t stop him.
“Because what if he says no?” I say, hating that I’m even saying it out loud.
Arlo’s hand is still for a second, then he goes back to rubbing my back.
“That’s a risk. I know. I’ve been right there where you are. For what it’s worth, I doubt that he would say no. In fact, I’d guarantee it.”
“But you don’t know for sure,” I say, finally able to look up.
My nervous energy needs an outlet, so of course I can’t stop fiddling with my charcoal pencil or rubbing my eraser on the leg of my jeans.
Arlo sits quietly for a moment before catching my gaze.
“You’re right. You don’t know, Micah. We both know there’s no sure thing in life. Probably too well.” He pauses. Thisconversation isn’t easy for him. I can see that. Neither of us is big on dredging up our past.
“Taking a risk on someone is hard, especially when the people we’ve known in the past weren’t trustworthy. We seem to have that in common. Among other things.” He swallows, then clears his throat.
Looks like we’re doing this whole emotional thing we’ve both been avoiding. We’ve never discussed our Derek connection. It’s probably time we did. I take his hand because when it comes to Derek, he got the worst of it.
“I don’t know how bad it was for you, but I was with him a long time,” Arlo tells me, his voice rough with suppressed emotion.
“I figured. He used to bring your name up when he was trying to make me jealous. It only worked once or twice before I caught on to him. He was manipulative like that.”
“Yeah, he was,” Arlo says, taking a deep breath. “He got physical with me, and I let it get way too ugly before I finally left. I wasn’t sure what he was like with you.”
“I’m not surprised. What a fucking dick. We hadn’t gotten there yet but I saw it coming. Just seeing how scared you were when he confronted you by the dumpster. I knew.”
He groans and squeezes my hand, but the guilty self-loathing he’s still carrying is all over his face. I get it. Sometimes we’re our own worst enemy.
“Hey, if it wasn’t for you, I would have stayed longer. Watching you stand up to him was what made me pull my head out of my ass.” It’s hard watching him carry this guilt when none of it belongs to him. “Look, I knew he was bad news, but it was kind of nice having someone who gave a shit. Ya know?”
