“We need to get her to the hospital,” one of the paramedics told me, kind but firm. “Please move back.”
“I’m right here, Jess,” I said, sitting back on my knees so they could do what they needed to. “I’m right here. You’re okay.”
Jesse let out an incoherent wail as the paramedics gently turned them the same way they’d done to Dylan.
I scrambled to my feet and stumbled back as they lifted Jesse from the floor. Familiar hands caught me before I fell.
“You’re gonna be just fine, Jess,” Curtis said, reaching out to grip their hand. “Everythin’ is gonna be okay now.”
I knew he was lying.
I wondered if Jesse knew too.
Where the hell was Finn?
“Not she,” Curtis said as I lightly ran my fingers down Jesse’s arm, like I’d done for them when they were a toddler and having a hard time falling asleep. “They’re nonbinary. Jesse prefersthem.”
“Got it,” the paramedic said as they quickly carried Jess away.
I stood frozen for a moment before I spun, wrenching myself out of Curtis’s arms.
“Finnegan?” I called, running toward the kitchen. He wasn’t behind the island or in the pantry. He wasn’t in the laundry room or the coat closet. I took the stairs two at a time.
“Finn! Mom’s here, son. Where are you?” I checked the bonus room. The linen closet, even though I knew he couldn’t fit there. Dylan’s room and closet. Under the bed. Under Jesse’s bed and inside their closet. The bathroom, throwing open the curtain to check the tub. Finn’s room, and under his bed. The closet. My bedroom, closet, and bathroom.
“He’s not here,” Curtis said as I screamed Finn’s name again, his arms wrapping around me from behind to stop my frantic movement. “Teddy, he’s not here.”
“He has to be,” I argued. “Finn!”
Only silence answered as Curtis practically carried me back down the stairs. He set me on my feet at the bottom and led me back toward the destroyed living room, carefully helping me around the bloodstains on the hardwood.
It was splattered on the walls. I looked away, my stomach in my throat.
“I have a son,” I told the first policeman who came into view. “He’s ten. Slender with light brown hair and brown eyes. He was wearing—” I closed my eyes and tried to remember what Finn had been wearing when we left the house. He’d just changed because Curtis had sprayed him with the hose. What shirt had he put on?
“Red Spider-Man shirt and black basketball shorts,” Curtis said, his voice rough.
“Right,” I said, glancing past the cop to try to see Jesse or Dylan. I looked back. “Have you seen him? Has anyone seen him?”
“No,” the policeman said, glancing over at another cop in plain clothes. “The two being transported were the only ones in the house.”
“No,” I hissed, the word broken. “No, he was here. He was here when we left. He has to be here.”
“We searched the house when we got here,” the other policeman said, moving closer. “Are there any hidey-holes you think he’d go to? Whatever happened must’ve been scary, yeah? Can you think of anywhere he would go?”
“I—”
The lights and sirens of the ambulance pulled my attention to the street, and I couldn’t breathe.
They were taking Jess. They’d already taken Dylan. Finn was somewhere, but he wasn’t here.
It felt as if I were being torn apart. I couldn’t be with all of them at once.
Everything inside me went quiet as I began to shake.
I couldn’t choose one child over the others. It was impossible.
A scream built in my chest.
