“How come you don’t need time, Mum?”
She hugs me tight against her, the smell of her perfume lingers in my nose.“It’s a mother’s duty to know their son.”She strokes my hair and plants a kiss on my cheek.“I love yer and I always will.”
“Love you too, mum,” I say through a strained voice and make my way back home.
I make my way into my own kitchen, a stark contrast to the one from home less than thirty minutes ago.I flip the switch on the coffee maker.Trish is about to say something to me when I reach for the caramel syrup, but I narrow my eyes at her, and she backs off.
I can tell she really wants to say something when I put extra milk in too, but she knows better.I see her whisper something to AJ, who is watching on from the kitchen door.I take a seat at the island, and burst into tears.AJ is by my side in an instant, rubbing my back, and Trish grabs me a tissue.First time they’ve been used for tears, but I take them gratefully.
“I’m sorry,” AJ says, and hugs me from behind before kissing the top of my head.
“I knew what the outcome was going to be and it still shocked me.”I shake my head in disbelief.
“They’ll come around, and if they don’t, you don’t need them.You’ve got us,” Trish says, and this brings more tears because she’s never this nice to me.Not that I deserve it.
“Mum is fine, said she always knew.Dad…he kicked me out.”
“That’s shit,” is all AJ says, and what else is there to say, really?It is shit.
I bury my head into his chest, and he holds me tight.
Trish walks over to the fridge and pulls something out of it.She holds it behind her back before standing over my cup and squirting cream on top of my coffee.“Tonight we are saying fuck the rules.Eat as much as you want.We’ll fix it tomorrow.”
Not one to pass up on an opportunity like this, I dip my finger in the cream, and as I’m about to put it in my mouth, AJ steals it with his own mouth, and a surge of blood rushes down south, despite how I’m feeling.Perhaps Trish is right, perhaps we are like horny teenagers.There’s a nagging thought in my head.It beats like a drum, and I try to block it out.I try to focus on Trish and AJ, despite my vision becoming a small pinhole.I shake my head, hoping to quell it.It works somewhat, and then my heartbeat quickens instead.Fuck.I try to focus on AJ.
“You can play with your cream later, lads, but not while I’m standing right here,” Trish says, her hands on her hips and a mock scowl on her lips, dragging me back to reality, but with things still seeming further away.
We eat far too much takeout, plus a whole tub of ice cream, and watch movies on Netflix.The three of us fall asleep on the sofa.Trish and AJ are on either side of me—my chosen family—and for a few hours I forget about the words my dad said to me and the pounding in my head.
In two weeks, AJ and I play each other in the final of the European Cup.
In three weeks, we will both come out to the whole world.
And if the world still accepts us after that, we will play in our first Global Cup together.Thinking about these things creates a tidal wave of worry.My heart smashes against my rib cage, everything seems far away.I can see AJ and Trish talking.I think I’m responding, but no sound is coming out.My voice is small.I am small.The walls, they are closing in.The last thing I see before the darkness is AJ’s panicked face.
I open my eyes and am surprised to find myself in my own bed.I sit up against the headboard, and the world shifts on a tilt.
“Woah, don’t move so fast, you’re not on the pitch,” AJ says, racing over from wherever he was and holds my hand.
“You’re here?”I look at him confused.I don’t know why I keep expecting him to bail on me, but every time he doesn’t, it throws me through a loop.
“I’m not leaving.I’ve told you that.”
“I know.Sorry.”
“Stop saying sorry…and don’t say sorry now either.”He smirks at me and kisses my forehead.It’s like he knows that’s where the pain is.
“I really do want to say sorry right now.”
“Well, don’t.You’ve nothing to be sorry for.I, however, might.”There’s a sheepish look on his face, and I don’t have to wait long before reading why.
“Mum?”My voice sounds vulnerable.I’ve never needed her more than I do right now.
“I’m ’ere, sweetheart.”
She hugs me gently and then brushes my fringe out of my eyes.
I get up, slower this time, and look around the room at familiar faces: Trish, leaning against the back wall with Mel, my mum by my side, and AJ on the other side.I smile at them all.How the hell have I deserved to have such warm people in my life who actually care about me?
