To the outside world, we are just two people having a morning walk.In reality, we are two promising footballers with one huge secret.
“Have you heard the comparisons being made online about us?”
“Wait, there’s an us?”I ask, and I don’t much like the panic in my own voice or the look on his face at the word “us.”Like, yeah, I get what we did last night and hopefully continue to do, is extremely risky, but he doesn’t have to look so worried about “us.”
“No.No one knows a thing, so you can stop worrying.I mean us as football players.One person has charted our history and made it like a parallel line and we’re about to intersect.”My mind is racing, the world feels like it’s getting smaller, like I’m looking through a pinhole.I try to shake it off.I hear AJ’s voice, he’s making a joke, I think.I ask him to repeat it.
“Like we did last night?”AJ says with a devilish grin.He nudges me in the ribs.
“Anyway, I really think if we get into the first team next season, we have a shot at playing for England.The manager has been under pressure to play more youth players and stop relying on our ageing Global Cup winning squad.”
“The British media are never satisfied, are they?”I say with a sigh, the world remains unstable beneath my feet.
“They’re not, but this could be huge for us.Remember how we dreamed of this?Now we’re in a cup final, and people are talking us up to be playing for England.”
AJ smiles at me, and I give him one back.We walk around the park, taking in the flowers in every hue, and the people feeding the ducks at the pond.I worry when we will start to get noticed?When this little slice of peace will be over for us.With our dreams on the horizon, our private life will no longer be private.Everything will be out in the open.Every pass will be dissected, every miss will be scrutinized, every relationship will be under the microscope.I try to verbalize this.Try to make my mouth form the letters and the words.Nothing comes out.I feel like a ventriloquist dummy.I can’t have my family in the firing line just because I missed a penalty.I can’t become a villain to the world just because I prefer men over women.I just can’t.Fuck.
Panic ripples through me, and I find the nearest bench, plunk myself down, and hunch over, taking labored breaths.AJ rubs my back.His voice sounds tinny, like it’s far away, and I think he’s asking if I’m okay.I think I say I’m fine.The world fades to black.
Chapter 8
AJ
The sound of the monitor has kept a steady beat for the last hour.I haven’t left his side this whole time.When he fainted in the park, I rushed into fight mode, calling an ambulance.I didn’t know what else to do.They asked me to recall what had happened.I gave them a snippet of our conversation, and they said it sounded like a panic attack.They told me not to worry.Not to worry?I’ve just got my best friend back after eight years and now he’s got monitors beeping around him and a heart rate thing.It may all be precautionary but my heart jams in my throat.
“H…H… Where am I?”His voice is weak, but it still startles me.I rush over to him and rub the back of his hand with my thumb.
“Hey, buddy.”The word doesn’t sound right, but I hurtle on, “You’ve had a bit of a fainting incident.You’re in the hospital, and you’re fine.”
He tries to sit up.I help him, and he mutters a form of thanks.
“How…how long was I out?”
“A whole week!”
“A week?I’ve missed the cup game!I need to g—”
I start laughing.“I’m kidding.You’ve been out for, like, an hour.You’re fine—you haven’t lost to my team yet, don’t worry.”
“You’re an ass!”he says with a bit more enthusiasm now.
“The same ass you called perfect last night?”I shoot him a wink.
“You’re still an ass,” he says, now smiling.“Thank you.For, well, looking after me.”
“No need to thank me, that’s what friends are for, right?To look after each other.”
“Yeah.Hey, um, you didn’t call my coach, did you?”
“I don’t have his number, sorry.”
“No, no, it’s good.I haven’t really told him—or, well, anyone—about my anxiety.Hell, outside of my parents, no one knows.”I see him contemplate something, sit up on his bed, and say, “I struggle with, well, most things.Not all the time, but sometimes.The crowd or a situation can cause my anxiety to swell, my vision to go dark, and then I faint.Remember in school when we had the MMR jabs?”
I nod to say I do, they were bloody awful.
“Well, I had to have mine in the medical room as I was panicking so much about it.At some point, I fainted, and my mum picked me up.I’ve managed to keep it mostly under control over the years, but anxiety and mental health can be a bitch, and I chose to be a footballer.So, now you know too.”
“I appreciate you telling me, and don’t worry, it doesn’t leave this room.”
