“Good. There’s no magic way to be sure bad shit won’t happen, but remember what we do with that fear? We tell it to fuck off. Which you do by playing the next match. And the next. And choosing to believe you’ve always got one more in you.”
In the artificial dark of my room, I found my fingers tracing thebracelet he’d given me, stopping at the scrunchie charm to spin it slowly. “Are you ever afraid of anything?”
Miles laughed, the sound soft. “All the time. I used to fear I would never be as good as you. Or as brave as you. I spent a long time afraid people would find out about me. And afraid of my parents. The first two pushed me to work hard, but the rest fucked me up. Still fuck me up. And I’m still afraid I’ll never be as good or as brave as you, and that I’ll never really deserve you. But I’m just going to keep choosing to not let it be important. Keep finding ways to say fuck you to the fear. Even if it’s just standing here, not knowing who might be able to hear me, and telling you that I love you, Matteo.”
His voice echoed off the concrete of the stadium corridor, loud enough that I could imagine how hard his heart would be racing. My heart would pound out the same fearful tattoo when I walked onto the court tomorrow, but that suddenly seemed far from exceptional – fears something we all carried with us one way or another.
“I love you too,” I said. “And thanks. I think maybe we can get off the train now.”
I WON. MILES wasn’t there, but Mum and Dad flew up with the twins, and by the time I stepped off court after the award ceremony, I already had six missed calls.
“I’m so mad I wasn’t there!” he cried when I called him back.
“It’s fine! You had your own final to play. Did you win?”
“No! Well, I did, but Nora didn’t, and Den and Gisella are still playing but it’s not looking good. Italy are going to take it, I’d say. But I did not call to talk about that, Mat. Congratufuckinglations!”
I had to laugh, that a word we’d so often typed but never actually said aloud. “Thanks. I’m still processing it, honestly.”
“I bet you are. Enjoy it. I wish I was there to make a huge fuss over you.”
“Mum and Dad came with the twins,” I said. “So don’t worry, I think they’ll make quite a lot of fuss.”
“Good.”
“And besides,” I added. “You can be there next time. Because I’m going to win another.”
“Yeah.” I could hear the grin in his voice. “Yeah, you are.”
I FLEW HOME the following morning to begin what was already shaping up to be a whirlwind week leading into the Australian Open. Media requests had been rolling in, but ignoring them all, I went straight out to meet Katie at the practice courts.
For almost three years we had shared crummy apartments and cheered each other on before grand slams, and though everything was changing, there were some things I wouldn’t let go.
“You didn’t bring it!” she cried when I arrived.
“Bring what?”
“The trophy! I expected it to be glued to you.”
I set my bag down, the reminder that I had won my first title the day before swelling my chest. “I don’t even have it right now,” I said. “We had to stick it in Tomas’s suitcase because it wouldn’t fit anywhere else.”
“That’s a clever way to steal a trophy.”
“He won two of his own, he doesn’t need mine!”
She laughed and threw her arms around me. “Congratulations again. I’m so pleased for you, you thoroughly deserved that win and many more.”
“Thanks,” I said, squeezing her until she yelped. “It’s sure been a rollercoaster.”
“In more ways than one!” She tilted her head, looking me overas she stepped back. “How are things with Miles?” She touched my bracelet. “This is nice.”
The silver charms winked in the sun. I’d worn it throughout the tournament in Brisbane, so glad to have Miles with me on court even when he couldn’t be there watching. “Things are . . . good. Really good. I’m still worried about the next time we have to play each other, although right now I don’t think I could beat him. Did you see he demolished Carey Ellsworth the other day?”
“Yeah, nice of you to let him beat the world number three for once.”
We started stretching, the sun bearing down hot and dry and very Australian. The month the tour spent in my home country had always been my favourite part of the year.
“Miles messaged me the other day,” Katie said as we worked.
