I pulled back just enough to look at him. This loyal, beautiful man who was still mine. God, I loved him more than life itself.
And before I could stop it, tears ran down my face. I was so grateful.
In some twisted way, we felt closer now than before the cancer. He stayed when so many men would have left. Never doubted me. Never made me feel unwanted. Never made me feel small or cheated on me.
Dark thoughts still crept in sometimes. That maybe it was too good to be true. That maybe he was still here by my side because he was making up for something. Guilt. Or hiding something. But those thoughts were my own shame talking and unfair to this amazing man. So I shoved them away.
“Am I hurting you?” Brian asked, stopping cold.
My head shook fast.No,I shaped with my lips. I love you.
He understood and nodded once.
His eyes flicked to the door again, then he leaned in and pressed his face into my shoulder once more.
My nails dug into him, pulling him closer and holding him there. Pressure built inside me, which was surprising. Most of the time, my body didn’t cooperate anymore. Most of the time, the closeness of feeling him inside me mattered more than the glorious end.
But this time felt different.
Today it would work.
He rocked faster, and as if life was granting me one last small gift, we came at the same time.
A silent scream escaped my lips, and my body tightened, then melted beneath him in hot waves.
His body twitched a few times, then he rolled off to the side, staring at the ceiling.
A tired laugh shook my chest. I tapped his shoulder, then pointed between us, trying to tease.
We still got it, I mouthed.
“Yuuuup,” he said, eyes back on the ceiling. Empty, almost bored.
My fingers dragged slowly over his back.
Happy, yet also heartbroken.
I was dying. I knew it. I should have been dead a long time ago. So every second with my family, with this man, meant everything to me.
Guilt crept in when I thought about what they’d been dragged through because of me. Months of hell. The world branding me a murderer. My mother pushing herself to the edge of a heart attack just to keep me breathing. Almost getting killed herself. My kids never pulled away. Never stopped loving me. And Brian never doubted me either.
Then my best friend finally believed in me again. Paid for a lawyer who finally got me out.
The cancer brought a lot of fears.
But none bigger than those concerning my family.
Would they be okay? Would Brian fall apart after I was gone? Start drinking again? Would the kids lose their mother and their father too?
My mother had always struggled with her blood pressure. Would she have the strength to carry all this for years to come? Would they all become tragedies of the life I left behind?
My life was borrowed. An extension somehow granted by the devil or God. Who knew. It didn’t matter. Because whoever had granted me more time also gave me one more gift. One I hoped for more than anything.
When I was gone, Brian would find happiness again, with another woman. Someone steady and kind. Someone strong enough to hold him together.
And that woman was Amanda.
I tapped Brian’s shoulder. He looked at me, curious.
