Ok, fuck. With just one tiny piece of casual information, Brody has managed to locate Jackson. I wonder if he was just passing through or if he actually lives there.
“Ok, well, are these going to be better or worse than the Vegas ones?” I ask, offering him one to distract him. Before I’ve even pulled another cookie out of the bag, he has completely demolished the first one.
“Soooo fucking good, Ry! God, please keep this man,” Brody groans happily. “If this is what he’s sending now, imagine what he’ll be like when you finally go see him!”
Suddenly, a massive wave of panic shoots straight through my chest. My face drains.
“Whoa, Ry. You’ve gone completely white. Shit, man, are you ok?” Brody’s tone shifts instantly.
Fuck, does he know? Why isn’t he freaking out? Why isn’t he walking away from me?Fuck.
“Breathe, Ry. It’s ok. Everything is ok. Talk to me.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to lose Brody; he’s my best friend, he’s all I have out here. “Erm, I’m ok,” I say, forcing myself to take deep, ragged breaths.
“Ry, look at me.” Brody’s voice is steady and full of deep empathy. I turn my head and stare into his eyes. “This is me, Ry. I know. And it’s ok. Fuck, I’ve known for years.”
I sit up, completely paralyzed by shock. “What are you talking about?” I try to joke.
“Ry, don’t do that,” Brody says softly. “It’s me. You’re being one hundred percent honest with a guy you haven’t even met yet. Extend that same honesty to me now. I don’t give a shit who you love, man, just as long as they make you happy.”
And just like that… I’ve been outed. The air in the barracks seemed to thin out, leaving me gasping in shock. My heart, which had been hammering against my ribs like a trapped bird, suddenly stuttered. Brody knew. He’d known for years, while I’d been meticulously constructing this reinforced vault, layering brick after brick of “don’t ask, don’t tell” until I was more vault than man. The realization that I’d been hiding in plain sight from the person I trusted most made my skin feel too tight. It was a terrifying, dizzying drop, like stepping off a ridge in the dark and finding the ground much closer than expected.
“Years?” I rasped, the word tasting like dust. “How? I never… I was so careful, Brody.”
Brody let out a soft, huffed breath of a laugh, his eyes never wavering from mine. “Ry, you’re my brother. I’ve watched your six in the worst hell holes on this planet. You think I wouldn’t notice the way you never talked about the girls back home? Or the way you’d go completely still whenever the guys started their locker room talk? It wasn’t one big thing, man. It was just… you. And I don’t care. I was just waiting for you to feel safe enough to tell me.”
A massive, hot lump formed in my throat, making it impossible to swallow. The relief was a physical weight, a staggering tide that washed away a decade of constant, grinding vigilance. I’d been so afraid that the truth would be the oneexplosion I couldn’t survive, the one that would finally isolate me from the only family I had left. But instead of the rejection I’d prepared for, there was just Brody, sitting on my bunk, looking at me with the same steady, unconditional loyalty he’d shown in every firefight we’d survived.
“I thought I was alone,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “I thought if you knew, you’d… You wouldn’t want me around. That you’d look at me differently.”
Brody reached out, his hand gripping my shoulder with a finality that grounded me. “Ryan, listen to me. You’re the best soldier I know. You’re my best friend. That doesn’t change because of who you want to come home to. This Jackson guy? If he makes you happy, then he’s in our squad, too. I’m happy for you, Ry. Truly.”
The tears I’d been suppressing for years finally carved clean tracks through the grime on my face. I slumped back against the wall, the tension draining out of me until I felt light, almost buoyant. For the first time since I’d signed my enlistment papers, I could actually breathe. I wasn’t just a serial number or a closeted soldier, I was Ryan Carter, and for the first time in my life, I was completely, deeply seen. Well, fuck me—I actually had a brother.
20
Letter
Jackson,
Your letters are officially becoming what I look forward to the most out here. Wow—please don’t ever tell Brody I said that! Also, I think you completely broke me. I mean… wow, Jackson. That picture. Fuck. I let Brody have more cookies. I was too busy trying to hide that photo from him! In those moments, fuck, it’s the most I’ve felt truly myself, and it’s all because of you and that fucking photo. Just know that it comes everywhere with me!
How you talk about hockey is exactly how I feel about my job. When I’m out in the field, I know that the man behind me has my back unconditionally. For me, it’s always Brody, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yeah, the adrenaline keeps me going, but I do this because I genuinely want to make a difference in this world.
Right now, all I can picture is a massive, built hockey player taking all his anger out on a poor treadmill. Judging by that photo, I’m definitely close. Surely there’s a better way to let off steam, I mean, once you find the right person? I can think of a lot more interesting activities! Do you get much trouble on the ice? I can’t imagine you guys have much time to actually talk during a game.
What’s really concerning is how often I picture you. You’re a welcome distraction out here, Jackson. I keep telling myself it’s impossible to fall for a person you’ve never met, but every letter you send makes me question the integrity of my own armor. I look forward to your words more than I look forward to sleep. That’s a dangerous truth for a soldier to admit.
Break me again soon,
Splash
PS — Yep, these cookies are the ones. They’re fucking perfect. I’m a very happy man tonight, dreaming of these treats… and of an Adonis who will never truly understand how much he makes me feel with every single letter.
21
Jackson
