“You don’t understand what she did to me. What I let her?—”
“You didn’tlether do anything.” Sophia closes the distance again, relentless in that quiet way of hers.
My knees feel weak. The room is too small. She’s too close, and her eyes are too green, too full of something I don’t deserve.
I want to pull her against me and bury my face in her neck until the memories stop screaming. I want to shove her away before I ruin her completely. Instead, I just stand there, fists clenched at my sides, breathing like I’ve run ten miles through hell.
“Cherry-red…” The nickname cracks on my tongue. I close my eyes. The fight drains out of me all at once, leaving nothing but exhaustion and that raw, bleeding seam in my chest that keeps getting wider every time she looks at me like I’m still worth saving.
But the shame won’t let me stay quiet.
“I made a vow,” I rasp, voice breaking. “To myself. To you.” I rub my palm over the back of my other hand, over the tattoo. “I swore you would be the only woman I ever touched. The only one. That no matter how filthy I had to be for the rest of the world, my hands—my body—would only ever belong to you.” My throat closes, the words scraping out like glass. “And I broke it. Ibrokeit, Sophia.”
“No.” She palms my cheek. “No, Reth. You didn’t break anything.”
“I did.” Warmth trickles down my face. “I broke it. The one promise I was sure I could keep, the one thing I knew for certain I had control over, that could only ever be yours, and I broke it. I fucking destroyed it.”
“Did you want it?” Her eyes search mine, and I go still.
“What?”
“Did you want her?”
“No. Fuck, no. I thought it was you. I was high, and I was dreaming it was you, and then suddenly…it was her.”
“There’s your answer, Reth. You didn’t want it. You didn’t ask for it. So how can it be your fault?”
“I dunno.” I tear myself away from her, creating distance. “Fuck!”
She turns to face me, and I hate the way she looks at me.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“How?”
“Like you see me. Like you trust me.” I take a breath. “Like you love me.”
“But I do. All those things, Reth. I do. And whathappened in that cell doesn’t change any of it. Because it’s not your fault.”
A harsh, broken sound tears from my chest—not a sob, something worse.
My back hits the wall, and I slide down it. My shoulders shake. My breath comes in ragged, ugly gasps. I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes, but I fight them, because monsters don’t get to cry over their own failures. Not when the woman they love is standing right there watching the wreckage.
“I was supposed to be better for you,” I choke out. “I was supposed to protect you from everything—including me. And instead I let her turn me into… intothat. Into something that still got hard while she touched me.” My voice cracks wide open. “How the fuck am I supposed to touch you now? How am I supposed to look at you knowing what I did to you?”
“You mean what she did to you?”
I still. “This isn’t about what she did to me. It’s about what I did to you. What I?—”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” Her voice is quiet, but there’s steel under it. “This is absolutely about what she did to you. I’m not the one who got hurt. You are. You’re the one who had your body taken from you. You’re the one who was poisoned and used and broken until your own skin wasn’t yours anymore. Not me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, closing my eyes, the words useless. “I’m so fucking sorry, Cherry-red. I tried. I swear I tried. But I wasn’t strong enough. I never am.”
The silence stretches.
Then her hands are on me—gentle but certain, slidinginto my hair, tilting my face up. I keep my eyes squeezed shut, ashamed of the wetness on my lashes, ashamed of the way my whole body is trembling like it’s still in that cell.
“Open your eyes, Nazareth.”
