We sit in silence for a moment. Somewhere in the apartment, Winnie’s cat knocks something over. Neither of us moves to check.
“What does your gut say?” Winnie finally asks.
I think about Zayden in the hallway, wrecked after a phone call with his ex.
“My gut says he’s different,” I admit quietly. “My gut says this could be real.”
“And your head?”
“My head says I’m an idiot who’s about to ruin everything.”
Winnie reaches over and squeezes my hand. “For what it’s worth, I think your gut might be onto something. But you’re the only one who can decide if it’s worth the risk.”
“That’s very wise and unhelpful.”
“I know. It’s my specialty.” She grabs the wine bottle. “More?”
“Please.”
We drink until the bottle is empty, and I’m tipsy enough to almost forget the look on Zayden’s face when I called it a mistake.
Almost.
• • •
Saturday morning, I go for a run.
It’s freezing—late January in New York, the kind of cold that burns your lungs—but I need it. I need the physical exhaustion, the clarity that comes from pushing my body until my brain finally shuts up.
It doesn’t work.
I run four miles and think about him the entire time.
His hands. His mouth. The way he said,tell me to back off,like he would have walked away if I’d asked, even though it would have killed him.
The way he looked at me after I called it a mistake—like I had taken something fragile and crushed it.
I stop at a crosswalk, breathing hard, as a family passes in front of me. Dad, mom, and a little girl in a pink coat. The dad is carrying the girl on his shoulders, and she’s laughing, tugging at his ears.
I think about Maisie. About Zayden lying next to his daughter at bedtime, letting her hold onto his shirt so she knows he won’t disappear.
And I pushed him away.
The light changes. I start running again.
Maybe I made a mistake.
Not the kiss—the kiss was inevitable, a collision we had been hurtling toward since the first taco debate.
The mistake was pretending it didn’t mean anything.
Because it did. It does.
And I have no idea what to do about it.
14
SUIT AND TIE TORTURE
