Of course, these are all Arthur’s friends. Arthur fits in with them, and he doesn’t realize they’re being assholes to Shae because they aren’t assholes tohim. Because people treat people like Arthur differently than they treat people like Shae.
Maybe it’s fair. Necromancy isn’t pretty. But it still hurts.
Even though he knows it’s a stupid, telling habit, he can’t stop fiddling with his rings. There’s more than enough ambient human warmth around to keep him from getting cold, but his stomach still twists with anxiety having Arthur out of sight. He doesn’t like the way Captain Tanner looked at him. He doesn’t like the way any of them looked at him.
Quiet voices catch his attention. Bernard and Freya talking just outside the mess tent. Shae strains to listen, but he can’t make out any words. Every so often, they glance towards him.
After a moment, Freya claps Bernard on the shoulder and walks off. Bernard tosses his ridiculous cloak back and strides towards Shae. “Necromancer,” he says, sitting down across from Shae. He’s smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Paladin,” Shae says coolly.
But Bernard’s next statement surprises him. “Sorry about earlier, by the way. Things have been a little high-tension with order business. You didn’t hear this from me, but we have reason to think Vizia’s involved with dark magic. So, when I saw a dark mage in the middle of Lanwatch...”
The apology knocks him off-kilter, even if it’s followed by excuses. Bernard doesn’t seem the type to justify himself to someone like Shae. “Arthur’s told me a bit about him,” Shae says. “But I don’t work with other dark mages, or thieves.”
“That’s great.” Bernard looks over his shoulder, then leans in. “You and Arthur seem pretty close, huh.”
Shae’s eyes narrow. “I hired him for a job. He’s been helpful.”
Bernard laughs. “Helpful. Yeah, that’s Arthur.” He looks over his shoulder again. “Look. I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I care about Arthur. We’re close. I’ve known him since he joined up, and he’s a good man. He just has one problem.”
Shae can’t help asking, just like he knows Bernard wants him to, “What is it?”
The last traces of humor fall from Bernard’s face. He looks at Shae with the same disgust as when he first laid eyes on him in the inn. “He has terrible taste in men, and it’s going to ruin his career.” He stands up, towering over Shae. “If you care about him at all, and I think you do, well. Consider whether dragging him down is worth it.”
He sweeps away, cloak billowing, before Shae can say anything in reply. Before Shae’s heart stops racing, before his mind stops spinning. Because Bernard is an asshole, no doubt about that. But maybe he’s not wrong about this.
Shae’s still reeling when he hears Arthur’s voice. He bolts from the mess tent to find Arthur outside the captain’s tent, talking with her and Freya. He looks up immediately when he sees Shae.
“Are you done here?” Shae asks, ignoring the other paladins.
Arthur’s smile is strained. “Hey, can we talk for a second?”
Shae’s heart sinks. A thousand scenarios rush through his mind, and all of them boil down to this: now that Arthur has his fellow paladins, he doesn’t want Shae anymore. Aware of the distrustful glares around him, Shae falls back on his usual mask of indifference. “Of course.”
Arthur leads him towards their horses, tethered at the edge of camp. Duchess nuzzles Arthur’s chest, and Sparrow continues grazing unconcerned. Shae feels like he’s walking through an echoing dream, like there’s a veil of anxiety between him and the ordinary world. He doesn’t belong here. Arthur does.
“Is there any way we can stay here a couple days?” Arthur asks.
Shae’s heart sinks further. It’s not an outright rejection, but it doesn’t need to be. He’s not an idiot, and he can see where this is going. “I can’t.”
“Just a few days. Captain Tanner wants me to help capture Ronan.” He takes Shae’s hands and holds them. The sheer sun-bright heat of him floods into Shae’s cold fingers. “My trial’s at the end of the month, and it’s not going to go well if I don’t have something big to show for it.”
Shae yanks his hands away. He can’t think when Arthur’s touching him. “What about banishing a demon? That seems pretty big to me.”
“I asked Tanner about that. She said we could spare a few more men and women to ride north with you, once we have Ronan. How does that sound? Two days delay, and then we ride north with three times as much power.”
Shae’s hands are shaking. He crosses his arms and tries to hold himself still. “Do you really need to do this?”
Consider whether dragging him down is worth it.
Arthur looks him in the eyes. “My calling is everything. It’s who I am,” he says. “I need to make things right.”
He’s already gone, Shae realizes.
Even if he stays for an couple days, even if he stays for a month, he can’t compete with Arthur’s precious order. He can’t handle staying and watching as Arthur draws further and further away. “Fine,” he says coldly. “Good luck with that.” He steps away to start untying Sparrow.
Arthur grabs his shoulder. “Wait, you need to stay here. You won’t be able to—”
