To my knowledge, Sully had flown back to Minnesota yesterday, meaning I was once again existing in a city that didn’t have him in it. The idea should be a relief, but sleeping last night had been impossible. His scent lingered on the sheets, so strong that when I woke this morning, I thought for the briefest moment that I’d turn over and see him, hair mussed and smile sleepy.
But no, he wasn’t there. Just like he hadn’t been there yesterday morning, either.
I wondered if I’d ever fully stop missing him, or if it would be like this forever.
Sighing, I forced myself to go through the motions of the day. To be honest, the client meeting was a relief. Getting lost in web development was a welcome distraction. It was so welcome, in fact, that as soon as I left, I dove into a work project that I’d previously been avoiding.
Not anymore. Now, this project was my lifeline. The focus my brain needed. I spent the entire flight home to California homed in on it, staring at my computer screen and ignoring the world whizzing by outside my tiny airplane window. When the flight path barely nipped the corner of Minnesota on our way across the country, I pretended my chest was unaffected. Just like I pretended that my bones didn’t feel weighed down when we finally landed.
It was well past midnight Boston time when I made it back to my apartment, but I didn’t even think about sleeping. The idea of sleep when I couldn’t control my dreams or the thoughts that might pass through my head during the first moments of waking made it…unappealing. So instead, I worked until I passed out on top of my keyboard.
That became my new normal. I stayed tucked into the zone I’dcreated, hyperfixated on creating the perfect technical solution for my client, or really anything that wasn’t the specific shade of the youngest London’s eyes as he’d watched me come on his tongue.
It was the only way I’d survive, so that’s what I did.
All week.
And into the next weekend.
Yeah, so, maybe I was a bit of a workaholic. Ididhave friends in the Bay Area. Sort of. They were all work-adjacent, though. People I’d met through my actual job or work-related functions and gatherings. Not exactly people whom I could count on to pull me out of this slightly toxic obsession with numbers on a screen.
The obsession did wax and wane, though. After the first few days back from Boston, I went through one more week of hyper-intense focus, followed by the need to resurface for another client meeting, a few in-person days at work, and to touch base with colleagues. I had a chat with Delaney, too, wanting to dive further into thoughts about a PEQ interface. We’d been interrupted by a patient, though, and she promised to give me a call another day to chat more—something I was oddly looking forward to.
All things considered, I thought I was doing pretty well.
At least, better than I expected I might have after spending a night sleeping in my ex-boyfriend’s arms.
Did I think about Sully?
Sure, fine, yes.
I thought about him constantly. I stayed awake, mourning the feeling of his arms around me. I imagined his touch, just so I could feel something.
But I wasokay. It was back to life as usual—status quo, you might say.
At least until the week I was supposed to get my period.
And didn’t.
CHAPTER SEVEN
ellie
IWAS SITTING BY the toilet, contemplating my life choices and wondering if my nausea was ever going to evolve into something, when my phone rang.
I considered ignoring it, but then saw it was Delaney, who I’d been in an ongoing game of phone tag with.
“Hey!” My attempt at sounding enthusiastic was stilted, given the vise my stomach was in, but at least I tried. “Sorry I didn’t get back to you yesterday.”
Grimacing, I tried not to think about everything else that had happened yesterday. Namely, the pacing in front of my car while I debated going to the drug store. And then the pacing in the aisle of said drugstore—a bodega in Mission Bay. And finally, of course, the pacing I’d done in my kitchen while deciding if I was ready to rip open the package of pregnancy tests.
I hadn’t.
Not yet.
“Oh, no worries. I just figured I’d try you again since I’m between patients, and Blake and I have a dance class after work, so I’ll be busy later.” A laugh got stuck in my throat, the end result of what was a strangled wheeze. I could hear the smile in Delaney’s voice when she added, “What?”
“Sorry.” I coughed out the rest of my laugh and pushed myself off the ground. I needed a glass of water. “Ithoughtyou just said Blake was going to a dance class.”
