My tears wouldn’t stop, and I knew I was a mess, but he said it was okay. He said he was okay with messy, so I let them run.Run, run, run.
“It wasneverbecause I didn’t want you in it, Sawyer,” I repeated, quieter. “Never.”
Sully had resumed taking slow steps toward me now, his expression a thing of pain—broken and desperate. And all I could do was cry, feeling wrung out from my confession. Saying the truth that I’d never told anyone.
“I wanted to give you a chance,” I whispered. “I wanted togive you time to consider what youreallywanted. I’d thought that moving to Boston while you finished college was a good way to do that. I never imagined?—”
I choked on a sob, unable to finish.
I never imagined that years would go by.
I never imagined that he’d take my decision to go to Boston as a final act that we couldn’t recover from.
“El, baby.”
I saw a single tear streak down his face, too.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, finally brushing my face. “I’m so sorry. I should have been more honest with you.”
“I wish you had been,” he breathed. His hands twitched, and he raked one through his hair before crossing his arms over his chest. But then, a second later, he was dragging a palm down his face, shaking his head. “I wish I’d known what you were going through, how scared you were. I’m so sorry, Eleanor. I was just so hurt and blindsided. I thought you must have wanted more than me and kids. I thought—fuck.” He stepped closer, a pleading look on his face. “You’re anything but selfish, and you’re anything but a coward. You and your health will always come first to me, too. That’s the way itshouldbe. And I stand by what I said today, El. That youarebrave.”
“I—”
“Just listen,” he pleaded, and I gave in, letting him talk. “Because I also need you to know the one thing I never should have said. The idea that I wouldn’t beg you to stay or come back is ridiculous because I will. I’ll do it right now, Eleanor. I’ll get on my knees and beg you. Beg you to understand that I don’t care aboutanything elsebut you. Beg you to believe me when I say thatyouare my dream, and everything else is just extra. Beg you to forgive me for letting you walk away, for missing your graduation, for not being there for you. Beg you to hear me when I say I wantyou.”
Unable to keep my feet from moving, I closed the space between us and caught Sully’s arm just before he was about todrop to his knees, fully planning to do what he claimed—beg. But he pulled me closer instead, cupping my face with both of his hands and looking down at me with an intensity I felt in my bones.
“I love you,” he rasped, his eyes glassy. “I just need you to know that I love you. I have loved you for so long that I don’t even know what it’s like to not love you anymore. I will nevernotlove you, Eleanor. I will love you on days you’re scared and on days you’re fearless.”
“I’m scared far more than I’m fearless,” I warned him because I felt like I had to. Even while my heart was soaring, my lips itching to smile at his words. “My body makes me so anxious now. Just living in it. And sometimes I don’t know how to turn my brain off.”
“I will be here to help you,” he said firmly. “Every day, no matter what. I promise you, baby. Because I love you. And loving you and having you is all I fucking need. I want you healthy, I want you safe, I want you loved, I want youhere—in my house, my home, my bed?—”
I cut him off with a kiss, pushing up to my toes, launching myself at him.
Mostly because if he said one more damn word, my heart was going to combust. It was going to shatter into a million little pieces, and that was the last thing I wanted. Because every piece of my heart—big and small—was filled with Sullivan Sawyer London. And I couldn’t bear to lose any of it.
But also because,God, I wanted to kiss him.
Ineededto kiss him.
To feel him.
To taste him.
And to never let go, not ever again.
CHAPTER FORTY
ellie
SHOCKED, SULLY STILLED FOR only a moment before his hands threaded through my hair and his lips moved against mine, kissing me back with a ferocity I’d missed so damn much.
I’d missed himso damn much.
He groaned into my mouth, and I felt it vibrate in my core.
This kiss, despite its hint of salt from endless tears and the slight clash of teeth because we were messy and desperate, was a homecoming. And God, I never wanted to leave again.
