His brows drew together, a frown tugging at his features. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Eleanor.”
“I’m not,” I argued. “I’veheardthose words come out of your mouth before. You can’t take them back now.”
“Well, it’s because it’s what I thought we both wanted. It’s what Ithought…” He trailed off, as though replaying a thousand afternoons of lying in his bed.
“I think you should think about it,” I whispered. “I think you should really think about what you want, Sawyer.”
He was leaning toward me now, his body unconsciously reaching out. “You really don’t want kids at all?”
“I’m not certain what I want when it comes to kids,” I answered, picking my words carefully. “And I don’t want that uncertainty to ruin your dream.”
Sully stilled, as though he understood what I was saying for the first time.
“Eleanor.”
My throat tightened at his tone. The frantic way he said my name, like he knew things were close to unraveling. “I just want you to think about it,” I said, keeping my voice as measured as possible.
“No.” He was shaking his head now, eyes shoot up to the ceiling.
“I’m sorry,” I said, and he kept shaking his head, rejecting my apology. But I wasn’t apologizing for what I’d just revealed because I wasn’t sure there was anything I could have done differently.
I’d wanted Sully.
I’d wanted Sully and his dreams and his children.
And then there was an invasion. In my lungs and my soul, cutting off my air supply. And I never wanted to feel like that again. And there were people who told me I might, that it could happen, people who I suspected had beentryingto scare me, who did a far better job than they’d probably meant.
“Natalie could use some help,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “With Chloe. And you know there’s good tech opportunities out there, in Boston.”
His gaze darted to mine as he sat up straight. “Excuse me?”
“I’m thinking I’ll go to Boston for a few months after graduation. Maybe I could get a good internship. Give those MIT kids a run for their money. Wait for you to finish up here.”
Wait for you to decide if you still want me.
I watched as anger and despair leaked into his expression, his bodytightening with a flood of emotion. “I thought we weren’t going to do this again. I thought you weren’t going to leave me. I thought you’d wait. So we didn’t have to spend another year apart. Isn’t that what we decided?”
A knot tighten in my stomach. And I wondered at what point it would snap, or at the very least, become something that I couldn’t undo.
“Yes, but…” I forced myself to take a deep breath, to keep going. It would be so easy to give in and forget all of this. To stay. “I just think it might be a good time for you to…think. About what you want. And your head might be clearer without me in it.”
“Fuck that.” Sully was standing now, pacing. His hands shook as he dragged them through his hair. “I don’t fucking need to think.”
“I need you to,” I begged, trying to get him to understand.
“Why?”
He sounded so desperate, I almost gave in, almost told him how scared I was.
But I wasn’t brave enough for that.
And wasn’t quick enough, either.
“If you’re looking for a reason to go…” He shook his head, stopping in his tracks and facing me. He crossed his arms over his chest, and they seemed to tighten with every word he said. “You’ve always been one step ahead of me, and I don’t want to hold you back. I know you could do so much better than this. I know you stayed here for me. I know you could do so much more. I know?—”
“Sawyer,” I cut in, forgetting my own rule about interrupting him. “That has nothing to do with this.”
“But itistrue, isn’t it?”
