“Maybe somewhere around the time I almost got blown up again,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest, tilting her head to the side—sarcasm a hard barrier between us. And again, she wasn’t off base.
“Yeah. That would have been a good time,” I admitted, nodding.
“Or before you fucked me.” Her hazel eyes glittered like gemstones.
“Don’t bring that into this,” I said, wanting to reach for her and knowing better. “I wasn’t honest with you about why I was working the case, and that was wrong. It’s fair that you’re mad about it. I get it. I fucked up. But us sleeping together has nothing to do with Silas or Emily Shaw or whatever the hell is going on. That was about us.”
“There is no us,” Sylvie said, her voice cracking on the last word in a way that stabbed through me, shattering all the dreams I’d had just that morning.
I’d thought about keeping Sylvie, but that wasn’t goingto happen if she didn’t want to be kept and if she didn’t want to keep me.
“We’re going to figure this out, Sylvie. Just because I want to find Silas doesn’t mean I can’t look out for you, too. We’re going to find whoever killed Emily Shaw and neutralize them so you can be safe. I’m not backing off that.”
She shifted, looking down at her feet, her fingers curling around her biceps until her crossed arms looked more like a shield. When her eyes raised to me, they were resolute and bruised. “I don’t think you can do both. Not when you don’t know what you really want.”
“I know exactly what I want. I want you. I want to find Emily Shaw’s killer. And I want to find Silas.”
“What if we find out that Silas killed Emily?” she asked.
“No way,” I said, shaking my head. “There’s no way Silas killed Emily Shaw.”
“But you don’t know that,” she said, “because you’re not really investigating her murder. You’re trying to find Silas. And as long as you don’t believe he could be guilty of anything, as long as your true goal is to figure out where he is, you can’t promise me that you’re going to keep me safe.” Her voice tightened. “If it comes down to it and you have to choose—” She tilted her head to the side and looked up at me. A universe of pain bloomed in her hazel eyes. “We both know you’re not going to pick me.”
She crossed the room to stand in front of me, her agony leaving me frozen.
When she said “Move,” I did.
Stepping away from the door, I watched, numb, as she swung it open. She looked back at me over her shoulder.
“I’m going up to the apartment. I have some backup options—cases I wanted to look at if Emily Shaw didn’t panout. We don’t have any leads at the moment, so I’m going to put some time in on my actual job, assuming I still have a career to go back to when this is all over.”
“Fine,” I clipped, wanting to beg her to stay and talk this out, but knowing that would only make this worse. “Don’t go anywhere.”
“I wasn’t asking permission, Eli. Just telling you where I’ll be as a courtesy.” She turned and stalked out of the small office and down the hall, heading for the elevators.
Fucking fuck.I hadn’t handled that well. Why hadn’t I just told her that if it came down to her or Silas, I’d choose her?
Because I couldn’t.
I wanted to, which said a lot. But Silas—Silas had been in my life for years. He wasn’t my dad. Not even a father figure exactly. But far more than a boss. He’d seen something in me, the potential to be greater. He’d created the team, the closest thing I had to a family.
And while I wasn’t privy to Silas’s secrets, I couldn’t believe he’d done anything to hurt Emily Shaw. She might have been one of the last people to communicate with him before she died and he disappeared, but that didn’t mean he was guilty of anything except dropping off the map.
Until we knew why he’d done that, where he’d gone, I couldn’t explain to Sylvie how I could be so sure that I could protect her, find Emily’s killer, and still search for Silas.
And what would you do, a little voice in the back of my head asked,if it was a choice between Sylvie and Silas?
Everything in me pushed that question away.
I didn’t know. The only answer I had was that I’d never have to choose.
But you don’t know that, the little voice reminded me.Not for sure.
I shrugged it off, closing the office door behind me as I left.
“That didn’t go well, huh?” Maddox rumbled, looking at me with a combination of sympathy and impatience.
“Fuck off.” I didn’t have a better retort.
