I don’t know how long it lasted, but at some point I realized I was the last one screaming. Tom’s appalled expression turned off the faucet in my chest. Gertie was laughing.
Dazed, I took the flask from her and had my first swig. The pine pitch burned my throat. My stomach tightened.
“Well, fuck,” Sebastian breathed. “Nowthatwas a Primal Scream.”
“One must agree.” Gertie’s eyes glittered.
“You’re all nuts. Everyone here is.”
“Welcome to Helshire, Tom,” Sebastian said.
“I’m not sure I like it.”
“I thought the same at my first Scream.” My voice was shredded.
Sebastian nodded. “Jessica was silent. Just like you, Tom.”
“I wasn’t ready,” I said.
“I’ll never be ready,” Tom said. “I’m heading back to Thomas. We can bond over how fucked up that was.”
“I bet he loved it,” Sebastian called out at Tom’s retreating back, then took my hand. “You screamed.”
I could only nod. My throat was in tatters, on fire from the alcohol. But I was still connected to the rest of Helshire.
Gertie regarded us both. “You two aren’t much of a secret. And Tom doesn’t seem very carefree.”
“He’s just taking after his roommate,” I said. “Thomas isn’t one for screaming.”
“You’ve got two years to work on him,” Sebastian said.
“One does not look forward. But thank you for an amusing evening. Pulling that little trick on the next crop of Mortons might prove edifying. Who cares enough to scream along? Leona, perhaps. Ezekiel, certainly. Clyde, doubtful.”
She turned and walked away, muttering other younger cousins’ names. I wanted to run after her and, with my ravaged voice, plead with her not to give up on Tom.
Sebastian had never given up on me.
“It’s still early, Jess,” he said. “The workrooms? The theater? The stacks?”
“The library’s closest,” I rasped. “But our little blue dots have been together for a while.”
“Didn’t bring my phone,” he said, and we started along the diagonal toward the library. “You finally joined in. You aren’t a bystander anymore.”
“It hurt less, being a bystander.”
“Everything is less, when you’re a bystander.”
The old Jessica hadn’t screamed because she hadn’t suffered. No heartbreak, no rage. Not even Uncle Max’s visit to the woodshed had disturbed my equanimity. But she hadn’t screamed in ecstasy either.
Now I wanted to scream all the time.
66
The library was closed this late, but Sebastian had a borrowed staff key.
He swiped us into the stillness of the darkened building. We took the stairs down, treading lightly. I led him to my new favorite section—594.56 (Octopoda).
In the silence, my body still rang with the Primal Scream.
