Sebastian took it, was about to have a mouthful, only to find the urge had left him. His head was swimming, his stomach was churning, and the more he drank, the worse things seemed to become.
It is not liquor that I need, but answers. Even wrong answers might suffice, because as things currently stand, there are no right answers to that which wrecks me.
“I have been lying to you,” Sebastian admitted, his voice softening. He was sitting on the couch, facing the fire, and he stared into its depths so the flames were reflected in his eyes. “About myself and Helena.”
“Huh,” Giles said.
He sat on a separate couch and turned to face his friend. His brow creased as he studied his friend. Had Sebastian been looking at him, he would have noted the clear concern in his eyes.
“How so?”
“We are indeed married,” Sebastian started, his voice distant. “That is the truth. But it is the nature of our marriage that…” He took a sip of his drink, wincing because it was not going down as well as it once did. “We are not a love match, as we have ledeveryone to believe. The truth of the matter is that this marriage was brought about because Helena found herself in a situation where marriage to a duke would save her. And I took advantage of it.”
“What situation is that?”
“Not important,” Sebastian said. “What matters is that I forced her hand, assuring her that our marriage would be one of convenience. We would play at being the loving couple, we would fool the ton as we have done, and her problems would be seen as unimportant. Assuming anyone even cared.”
Giles nodded. “The orphanage. That is why.”
“Clever, right?” Sebastian tried to laugh, but it burned his throat.
“Oh, undoubtedly. You had me fooled, as well as most of Parliament. Your rapscallion image has been forgotten, and I dare say that, given time, you will be able to convince those you need to support your bid to fund the orphanage. Well played, old boy.”
Sebastian exhaled sharply through his nose in agreement.
Indeed, his plan was working perfectly, and for that he was grateful. He had hoped it would be enough to distract his conscience and let him focus on the long-term goal he had set for himself so that he could ignore that which plagued him. The reason he felt so conflicted. The reason he had come to see hisfriend was to drown his sorrows, because it was the only thing that seemed to help.
A distraction, but a pitiful one.
“I am confused,” Giles continued carefully. “What exactly is the problem here? You should be thrilled. Or I would have thought so, all things considered.”
Sebastian did not answer, still staring into the flames as his world turned in directions that he could not have predicted because it had never happened before. Directions he did not think were possible, considering what he knew about himself.
Or what I thought I knew.
“Ah…” Giles sighed in realization. “Your wife. You’ve fallen for her.”
“Do not be ridiculous,” Sebastian snapped.
“Am I?”
He winced. “It is not nearly that simple.”
“Then make it so.”
Sebastian let out a bitter laugh and took another painful sip of whiskey. “You know I have never sought marriage—neverwanted it. Marriage is a tool to be used, not unlike a hammer or a saw. It has but one purpose, and I had thought I found that purpose with Helena.”
“And what does Helena think?”
“She is of the same mind,” he said. “That was what made her so perfect. Not a fan of marriage, and she wanted the same thing I did. For a time, everything was going as planned. Fake love for appearances, dispassion, and…” He chuckled as he remembered the earlier days. “And loathing behind closed doors.”
“And she still feels this way?”
To that, Sebastian had no answer.
He had sensed a change in his wife this past week. One that saw the two of them spending more time together, enjoying each other’s company, finding common ground and shared interests in ways that were dangerous because of how easy and natural it felt.
And Sebastian liked it. He liked spending time with her. He liked that she enjoyed being with him. And he liked how she had looked at him when she learned of the orphanage and what he was doing.
