Two days passed without any news. They had received a list of Devereau’s family holdings from Steven Devers, but none had yielded a single result. They had visited every property, every business associate they could think of, and none of it had come to anything.
“I cannot believe this,” Julian said, pacing his study. Nathaniel and Gideon sat with him. “How is this possible? How has nobody seen him? Three different scandal sheets wrote about it this morning, and still nothing.”
“It is as you say. They only wrote of it this morning,” Gideon said. “Just this morning. You must not be so impatient.”
“Impatient? I have been patient for nearly two months since David was left on our doorstep, and we have looked for Arabella the entire time with no success. And now, David himself? We are going out of our minds. The whole household walks about as though there has already been a funeral.”
“Perhaps they walk about that way because they fear that one wrong word from them will see them dismissed,” Gideon suggested.
Julian let out a low grunt. “Nobody has lost their position. Not even the poor girl who left him alone.”
“If Helena told it to me right,” Gideon said, “then that poor girl is fifteen years old and did not know there was any danger at all. Babies of David’s age are not watched every minute. They can be left for a short while so a girl can relieve herself which is all she did.”
“It is precisely this attitude that has your servants walking about so grimly,” Nathaniel said. “And the fact that the whole house still believes this child is your own son and that you have lost him. It would be inhuman for them not to feel that loss themselves. They have cared for him. They have grown fond of him.”
“They have,” Gideon agreed. “Helena loved Lavinia as though she were her own when she was still in Helena’s employ. It is part of why she stood as godmother to all our children, even though it was rather retrospective by the time we got round to it.” He waved a hand.
Julian knew he ought not to be so hard on the staff. But the rage in him was difficult to control. The rage, of course, was directed inward more than anywhere else. He had let this happen. He had not taken every precaution he should have. He had been careless.
“I never should have spoken to that man the way I did at the ball,” he said. “I all but told him I suspected him.”
“It was a risk,” Nathaniel said, “but you could not have known he would be so bold as to come back here and take the child himself. No one could have known that.”
“I was distracted,” Julian said. “I was not focused. I should have been focused entirely on this and nothing else. This whole entanglement with Clara has made me less sharp than I ought to be. I have been fighting feelings within myself since the moment we married, and it has kept me from seeing the danger right in front of me.”
“Surely you do not blame her,” Gideon said, sounding genuinely taken aback.
“Of course not. I blame myself.” He pressed his hands against the desk. “This entire situation has been a tangle from the start. Arabella brought the child to the ball. Why did she bring him there at all? Why did she not bring him to Clara’s house?”
“And hand him to Clara’s parents instead?” Nathaniel said. “She did not live with you yet, Julian. She lived with her parents. What would they have said if an infant appeared on their doorstep? She had to bring him somewhere those who knew her would not suspect.”
“It was reckless,” Julian said. “Absolutely reckless. And why did she not bring him to me directly? Why did she not trust me?” He slammed his hand down on the desk.
These last forty-eight hours had been overwhelming. His feelings swung between utter despair at the loss of David and Arabella and fury at his own actions. The only moments of solace had come when he was near Clara. Her presence soothed him. But lately, even that enraged him because he did not feel he deserved to be soothed.
“I should not have allowed myself to fall for her,” he said. “This whole entanglement was foolish from the start. I should never have let her think I love her. I should never have allowed it to become so tangled; it has done nothing but harm us all. If I were a better man, I would tell her plainly that I do not love her and set her free. It is what she deserves.”
“Julian,” Nathaniel said.
“No, I am right. Our only task was to keep David safe, and instead we became entangled with one another, and suddenly, his safety was no longer paramount to either of us. I should tell her I do not love her and send her away. It is the only right thing left to do.”
“Julian.” Nathaniel’s voice was firmer this time.
Julian raised both hands and fell back into the armchair by the fire. The flames danced in the grate, almost cheerfully which only stoked his anger further.
“I should tell her that,” he said, “because I am not equipped to protect anyone. I could not protect Arabella. I could not protectDavid. And I will not be able to protect her either. I should save her from me by telling her I do not love her.”
“But you do,” Gideon said.
“Yes. And that is precisely the problem. My love for her has put her in danger.”
“You must stop being a martyr,” Nathaniel said. “I have told you this before. Making yourself the villain of every misfortune is not helpful, Julian. You fall into this pattern, blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong, and I know you know it. This is the fault of Sebastian Devereau. Not yours, not Arabella’s, and not Clara’s either.”
Julian knew this was the truth. And yet in his heart of hearts, he could not stop blaming himself. He was the Duke after all. He had not managed to keep his wife safe nor his cousin nor her child. In that moment he could not help feeling there was not a single thing he had done right in his entire life.
***“This whole entanglement was foolish from the start. I should never have let her think I love her. I should never have allowed it to become so tangled, it has done nothing but harm us all. If I were a better man, I would tell her plainly that I do not love her and set her free.”
His words cut through her, and she bent at the waist as though struck. He was going to tell her he did not love her and send heraway. Why? Because he blamed her. It certainly sounded that way.
