Their praise didn’t impress my sister, who turned to me, her eyebrows downcast. “I didn’t realize it was this bad.” She wrapped her arms around herself in the same way she had when she’d been nervous as a child, before looking up at Jack quizzically. Then she turned to Mom and Dean. “You really are awful to her. I can’t believe I didn’t see it.”
Mandy wasn’t known for confrontation. Our parents’ word was law in our household, and deviating from what was expected could lead to disastrous results. I was a perfect representation of that. That was why my mother and stepfather’s open-mouthedstares weren’t surprising. If it had been me, my mother would have told me I looked like a trout, but she was too focused on her stepdaughter’s spiraling.
Instead of waiting for their response, I decided it was my chance to say something. “I thought you might want to see me after all this time, but clearly, I was wrong. All I want is parents, but you can’t even meet the bare minimum. Parents are supposed to love their children no matter what. Parents are supposed to be proud of their children’s accomplishments. If you can’t love me for me, then I’m going to surround myself with people who will. If you want to call and apologize, you have my number.”
Back when I worked for my mom’s company, I’d constantly tried to make her proud at the cost of my self-worth, but that had been wrong. I’d thought I’d gotten away from allowing people to dictate how I lead my life when I’d left my family behind, but I had a pattern of doing this in relationships as well. I tried to hold on to people even when they weren’t right for me. Now I realized I had been masking, trying to be someone else to please them, just like I’d done as a child, all in the hopes that they would love me.
I had to accept who I was. I liked myself, and I was lovable. I just needed to stop internalizing other people’s criticisms. It was time to stop making myself smaller for people to love me.
I waved to Shoshanna, who’d witnessed the whole thing, as Mandy came around the table and kissed me on the cheek, whispering in my ear, “You don’t need them. You’ll always have me.”
The smile I gave her had to be watery, but it was more than that. It was full of pride for her and acceptance that our parents were the disappointments, not me. I didn’t need them to love me, but I could allow myself to be sad that everything I’d once had was over. I’d allow myself that much.
Once that moment was over, I reached for Jack, who looked like he was ready to go to battle, and pulled him from the room. I didn’t need to be here anymore.
THIRTY-FOUR
Jack
Nat couldn’t getout of there fast enough. We ignored the stares of nosy guests who needed to mind their own business as I pulled her to the side of the building. I wanted it to be just us. Unfortunately, it was us and the tension that felt like a physical presence.
I hated the way Nat was guarding herself. Her posture was rigid, and she had a deer-in-the-headlights look that quickly transitioned to her I’ve-had-enough glare that I knew all too well.
I’d witnessed so many aspects of her personality. The soft, vulnerable parts. Her worries about being too much. The joyful parts when we were happy together, joking around, or holding one another in the early hours of the morning. The way she needed competition and the fierceness with which she dedicated her whole self to it.
She challenged me like no one ever had, and the spark Gia had mentioned we’d lacked in our past relationship was never in question with Nat. There was this unequivocal need to be in her orbit. Sometimes, that looked like pushing her buttons. Other times, it made me want to pull out the smile she shared with only me.
Without her, an ever-present hole expanded in my chest, and it was all my fault because I’d pushed her away. I was the reason she was gone.
That was nothing compared to the way her spark had dimmed just from being around her family for a night. It was dimmer than I’d ever seen it. It made me want to hold her tighter.
I couldn’t believe my ears when Nat’s mother had called her a stain on their family’s reputation. Her stepfather had actually used the word embarrassment, and I’d nearly lost it.
Nat had proven she was so much more. Her family clearly had no respect for the life she’d built.
They didn’t see the hard work, all the thoughtful ways she crafted stories and shared them with the world. Her artistic eye and the care and respect she showed everyone she met. The heart she led with at Camp Starlight and beyond. None of it mattered to them. And yet she’d come back here, to be treated like that? My blood boiled. My hands clenched. I would have done anything to take her pain away.
Even with my messed-up family situation—the messy divorce, the way my mom and dad pitted us against each other—at least no one questioned what I chose to do with my life. Unlike with Nat’s family, where they seemed to want her only if she fell perfectly into step. I didn’t understand it. I never would.
But I did understand her better, especially when it came to the weight of the expectations put on her and how difficult it must have been when she’d finally gone against her family. Her light was undeniably brighter when she was at camp, and if I were lucky, I’d get to see that light again.
“Are you okay?” I pressed my hand to her cheek, noticing how hot and sticky it felt after some rogue tears had escaped.
Nat tilted her chin down as if she didn’t want to meet my eyes, and I hoped I hadn’t ruined this already. “That was mortifying.”
“I’m so sorry, but I had to say something.” She could fight her own battles, but I also couldn’t sit by and watch someone tear her down like that.
Nat’s eyes widened. “Not you. Them.”
I could see now how little support Nat must have had since choosing herself. My heart broke for her. She needed so much more love and acceptance than she’d received. Yet she’d somehow still carried herself with grace despite the scraps she’d been given. I wanted to spoil her with it and show her she deserved so much better than she got. Based on what I’d been told, her sister seemed to love her, and she clearly wanted her there, but her parents were missing out on knowing their amazing daughter.
Nat’s wet eyes pinned me in place. She let me hold her hand, but her voice was small. “You were right, I do pick the wrong people. And I did it again.” She looked down at her feet and said it as if she were the one to blame.
“No, that’s not it. Natalie, listen to me. I was an idiot.” I tipped her chin up, and she looked at me with desperation in her eyes. “I never should have treated you the way I did. I’m sorry for the animosity I built between us, and I’m sorry that I called you a cheater. Also, for saying a meteor should have destroyed your cake. And for replacing pipe cleaners in the craft cabin with rubber snakes.”
Nat gaped at me, glaring daggers. “I knew that was you.”
This confession might not be going exactly as I imagined, but I had to stay on point. I turned the little keychain over and over in my other hand, my fidgeting going unnoticed. When I tore my hand out of my pocket to run my fingers through my hair, the keychain clattered onto the pavement.
