“Ah.” She nodded in understanding.
“Do you ever feel like you made the wrong choice?” I didn’t want to pry, but I had to know. Maybe she understood what I was feeling and could make it make sense.
“I know I made the right choice but it still hurts. I’d built something I was proud of and I just wasn’t ready to settle down. There’s still so much adventure out there.”
I tried to relate, but I’d had my adventures. I knew where I belonged, but with Jamie leaving, it felt like I was being split down the middle. Did that mean I’d always be alone? Was Ichoosingto be alone?
Nat clarified her previous statement. “Not that this is the same thing, I’m sure it isn’t, I just… I know this feeling, that’s all. That life won’t go on. But it will. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.”
She didn’t act like my week with Jamie was too short, like I was being overly emotional. She just gave me her experience and hoped it would help. It made me want to hug her. But hugging would lead to crying, and crying would lead to me on the floor, unable to get back up again. So I just went with the simplest way to show my gratitude.
“Thank you, Nat.”
Our situations weren’t the same, but there were parallels I couldn’t ignore. Either way, I wouldn’t find the answer at theback of this tragic craft shed, so I decided to leave it and go clean my pod.
Wipingawaythesweatof a hard day’s work, I took a solidifying breath and stared out at my favorite lake. The sun was starting to lower in the sky, but it still shone on dancing waves from the rushing wind that was cooling me and my damp face. It was hot in those cabins, but it wasn’t nearly as bad out here.
“You look like you’ve never seen that lake before,” Leo said from behind me.
Jeez, was everyone looking for me today?
“Just marveling at the beauty of nature and shit.”
He sat beside me and smiled ruefully. Did he know exactly how I felt too? Had I been hiding it this poorly? “You know, I wouldn’t give up on your happy ending just yet. You could even say I’d bet on it.”
I shrugged, then I understood. “You bet on us?”
Leo looked proud of himself. “I started the side bet.”
So my coworkers knew. And they’d been rooting for us. They did it so quietly… I guessed I’d been too wrapped up in bliss to notice.
Now I had to deal with that aftermath.
“Unsanctioned betting is not allowed when it comes to shipping,” I deflected.
“I’m the boss. I can break protocol.” Leo’s crooked smile almost won me over.
“Y’all are unrealistic. How could you believe that would work out?”
He looked determined. “I’m great at being unrealistic. But you should check my track record. You’d be surprised at how often I’m right.”
My stomach clenched, as though it were empty and I was still about to lose my lunch.
Leo started doodling in the dirt with a stick. “You know, we could work with you, right?”
“What?”
“You don’t have to be here all year. We’d need you during the summer, sure, but the rest of the time, you could telecommute and travel like you frequently do already.” The doodle turned into a star and he smiled.
I loved Leo for his optimism. He wasn’t thinking about the fact that summer for us meant May to September, five long months of camp that I couldn’t exactly leave for more than a weeklong jaunt, max.
“Hazel and I can do the event stuff during the year, and we could give you something else, like… Budgets or…” He shivered. We both knew we couldn’t steal budgeting from his counterpart. She’d have a conniption. Not to mention, that was a minor thing, and for me to be a full-time staffer, I’d need to do work around this camp throughout the year to prepare and keep things running. It just wasn’t feasible.
“I love my job, Leo.” I had a new role and plenty of buy-in. I wanted to help this place thrive, and I wanted to witness the fruits of my labor. It just didn’t work.
His soft smile held love and satisfaction. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into a hug like he would a sister. This was so much more than a job. That was one of the things I loved about this place.
This was the right thing to do. Jamie already had a life. He could find someone who he didn’t have to give everything up for.I knew I’d have a hard time reconciling that, so I shoved it down deep.
“You can love other things too,” Leo said.
I sucked in a short breath, making it hard to swallow the lump in my throat.
I’d been so sure that turning Jamie away had been the right thing, but my heart was fighting my decision, and my friends weren’t making it any easier. But that was the thing about life. Nothing was cut and dry and you had to deal with the consequences. I imagined a different world, one where I made the other choice, and wondered if I’d still feel the same. Because the lingering feeling that I’d just made the biggest mistake of my life was eating at me, and I wasn’t sure if it would ever go away.
