The partial destruction of the family’s olive groves during an unspecified 19th-century conflict (“The TREES, Major. Do you understand what it takes to grow an olive tree? CENTURIES. You cannot rush an olive tree. They are like the Montcadas. Patient and BITTER.”)
The present results of the Republican Referendum, which the Principal ranked as “worse than all of it, worse than the Bourbons, worse than the olives, worse than Cousin Felip’s hand, because at least Felip got a very good PAINTING out of it.”
During this passage, the dog (Mercè) fell asleep on this officer’s lap.
3.8 — 0437hrs (Hyde Park Corner)
The Principal’s tone shifted from historical lamentation to what this officer would characterise as logistical despair. He asked the following questions in rapid succession, pausing for answers to none of them:
“Where am I living? How many rooms? Is there a balcony? I cannot live without a balcony. I will die without natural light. Is there a kitchen? Can one have things delivered? I need candles. I need GOOD candles. Not the English ones that smell like a church, the French ones, from Diptyque. Do you know Diptyque, Major? Of course you don’t! You look like a man who has never lit a candle for pleasure in his life. Is there a bath? Not a shower. A BATH. I need to soak. I need to soak for several hours. I need to wash thisentire night off my body. Is there hot water? If there is no hot water I am going to Geneva to be with my father. He at least understands central heating.”
This officer confirmed that the residence had hot water, a bath, and electrics to current modern standards. The question regarding candles was noted but not addressed.
3.9 — 0441hrs (Park Lane)
The Principal fell abruptly silent and remained so for approximately four minutes. He turned his face towards the window. This officer observed that the Principal’s hands were shaking.
The dog woke, crossed the vehicle of its own accord, and settled in the Principal’s lap. The Principal held it close against his chest and said nothing.
This officer did not speak.
3.10 — 0445hrs (Mayfair approach)
The Principal said, very quietly, in Catalan: “Déu meu, què he fet per merèixer això.”
Translation: “My God, what have I done to deserve this.”
He crossed himself. He kissed the crucifix at his throat. He straightened his suit jacket, pushed his hair off his forehead, and by the time the Bentley pulled up to the residence, his expression was composed, his posture was upright, and his smile, directed at this officer as the door was opened, was dazzling.
“Well, Major. Show me my place of exile. Show me my Elba.”
4. INITIAL ASSESSMENT
4.1 The Principal is physically unharmed. He is emotionally volatile but appears to be processing the events of the past 48 hours through sustained verbal expression rather than withdrawal. This officer assesses this as a coping mechanism rather than a security concern.
4.2 The Principal is charismatic, theatrical, and unaccustomed to being managed. He issued approximately 14 directives during the 40-minute journey, complied with zero of this officer’s, and appeared to regard the security briefing this officer attempted to deliver at the residence as “optional.”
4.3 The Principal has a dog. No one told this officer about the dog.
4.4 The dog does not appear to be house-trained.
4.5 This officer wishes to note, for the record, that at no point during the briefing, the extraction, or the preparatory documentation was the presence of a Chinese Crested mentioned, alluded to, or implied. This officer’s uniform jacket is currently at the dry cleaner’s. The cost of cleaning will be submitted with this month’s expenses.
5. OUTSTANDING ADMINISTRATIVE ISSUES
5.1 Quarantine and import documentation for one (1) Chinese Crested, female, name: Mercè, age: unknown, temperament: incontinent.
5.2 Dietary requirements for the Principal: this officer was informed the Principal “cannot eat English food” and “will die” without olive oil of a specific provenance. This officer is seeking clarification on whether this constitutes a genuine dietary restriction or a taste preference.
