The Principal opened with what this officer initially interpreted as a statement of gratitude for the extraction. Upon reflection, it was a lament.
“Do you know what they have done? Do you know what they have DONE? TheRepublicanshave voted us out by fifty-three per cent, as if sovereignty and the Montcadas’ divine right to rule were a question for a SHOW OF HANDS! They have taken my father’s house! Men in cheap suits with clipboards and LAMINATED LANYARDS are in Palau Montcada, cataloguing the silver my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather dined on! They are writing little numbers on the backs of Zurbaráns, touching things they do not UNDERSTAND. They do not know what any of it MEANS.”
The Principal crossed himself twice during the above passage.
He then addressed the dog, which this officer was holding at arm’s length. The dog was identified as “Mercè” (pron. approximately “mer-SEH”), which this officer later determinedis a Catalan name referring to the patron saint of Barcelona. The Principal spoke to the dog in rapid Catalan, the tone of which was consoling.
Approximate translation (this officer has since consulted the Catalan-speaking Driver): “Don’t worry, my love, we are safe, your father has us, God is watching even though He is clearly ON HOLIDAY.”
3.5 — 0423hrs (A3/M4 junction)
The Principal asked this officer’s name again. This officer repeated it.
“Beauchamp. Beauchamp. This is a Norman name, yes? My family fought yours at the Siege of Girona in 1285. Well. Not yours specifically. But someone’s. It doesn’t matter. Everyone has fought everyone. This is the problem with Europe.”
This officer confirmed that his surname was of Norman origin. The Principal appeared briefly satisfied before resuming his previous state of distress.
3.6 — 0426hrs (Hanger Lane)
The Principal received a telephone call, which he answered on speakerphone despite the classified nature of the journey. The caller was identified as His Majesty The King (voice recognised). The following exchange is recorded from memory:
HIS MAJESTY: “Vidal. Are you safe?”
THE PRINCIPAL: “I am in a BENTLEY, James. I have been removed from my HOMELAND in the middle of the night like a…like a…like aparcel. Like something from Amazon. They have POSTED me to England.”
HIS MAJESTY: “You’re safe. That’s what matters.”
THE PRINCIPAL: “My family is scattered to the wind! My father is in GENEVA, while my brothers are in America anddown under, James! My mother is in WILTSHIRE. I am in a car with a man who Mercè has piddled on! Worst of all, I have not eaten since…since…”
[The Principal paused to calculate]
THE PRINCIPAL: “— since lunch. James. LUNCH. That was TWELVE HOURS AGO. I am wasting away.”
HIS MAJESTY: “I’ll make sure there’s food at the flat. Beauchamp will sort it.”
THE PRINCIPAL: “Who is Beauchamp?”
HIS MAJESTY: “The man who your dog urinated on, Vidal.”
This officer notes that His Majesty then ended the call. The Principal stared at the phone for several seconds before announcing to the vehicle at large: “He hung up on me. The King of the United Kingdom hung up on me. My cousin. My BLOOD.”
This officer notes that the familial connection is through Her Late Majesty Queen Victoria and involves no fewer than six intermediary generations.
3.7 — 0431hrs (Shepherd’s Bush)
The Principal entered a period of sustained vocalisation lasting approximately six minutes, during which he catalogued the losses suffered by the Montcada family across what he described as “eight hundred years of unbroken suffering.” This officer notes that the Montcada family held sovereign authority in Cardona from approximately 1509, which represents somewhat fewer than eight hundred years. This discrepancy was not raised.
Highlights of the catalogue included:
The sack of the Palau Montcada by Castilian forces in 1714 (“We survived the BOURBONS, Major.”)
A cousin who lost a hand in a duel in 1843 (“Over a HORSE, not even a woman, a HORSE.”)
