I’m holding my breath when she finally says, “That’s… that’s a lot to consider.”
“Yes,” I say, ready to be agreeable.
Her eyes rove around the room we’re in. It’s beautiful, but it’s not home. It never will be. Her gaze slides back to me.
“Can I think about it?”
I’m nodding. If I could nod my entire body, I would. “Of course.” Somewhere, far in the background of my mind, I register the consequences of what this might mean. The deal I’ve worked so hard on for Larkwood would be lost. Guilt for those who would be impacted rushes through me, but I’m too wired for it to settle. Too drunk on apossibility I’ve hoped for my entire life. I see her smiling. I see myself with Gracie and Henry, fully unburdened from my secrecy. I reach for my mom’s hand and grab onto it. “I need to know soon, though,” I say. “Before August.”
She bites the inside of her cheek, eyes wide as she considers a different future for the first time. We both know how much she’d be risking. But finally, she says, “Okay.”
“Okay,” I repeat. Whatever happens next is her choice. No matter what, I’ll respect it. But as her gaze holds mine—warm and solid as the grip on my hand—I feel something bright and unfamiliar take shape in the center of my chest.
I think it might be hope.
25GRACIE
Three Weeks Before the Wedding
When I get back to Larkwood after leaving Sofia, the grounds are dark, but a light coming from the main house draws my eye to an upper level.Jude.
Turning the car off, I swipe my fingers beneath my puffy eyes. Sofia and I have had fights before—you can’t love someone that much without accidentally hurting them once in a while. But tonight feels different. The shock of learning her parents have separated—and the sting of how long it took her to tell me—has hardened into a painful knot behind my rib cage. But worst of all is the realization that I’ve been so insensitive to my best friend foryears.
For nearly my whole life, every win or loss I’ve faced has been celebrated or soothed by her kindness. Foolishly, I thought if anything truly terrible were to happen to her, she would lean on me, too. But she was right not to trust me. When she finally opened up tonight, I made it about myself instead of supporting her.
A shameful lump forms in my throat. Somehow, I think she knew that would happen. Just like she knew how desperately I’ve wanted to believe her parents were soul mates—just to prop up my own hope for Happily Ever After. But after witnessing the pain around that table of women tonight, I can’t help wondering if the kind of love I’ve dreamed of is only found in romance novels.
I lift my head from the steering wheel and look at my dark cottage through bleary eyes. For once, it doesn’t feel like a refuge, but abunker. A place to cower from hard truths like the one I learned tonight. But right now, I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with someone who might actually understand what I’m going through—someone else who’s decided that it’s safer not to trust love at all.
The soft yellow glow from Jude’s window blurs as tears well in my eyes again. I was so convinced he was wrong—that everyone could find their person if they just tried hard enough. But now, committing to anyone ever again feels like choosing delusion, and tonight, I’m craving a different kind of certainty. Even if it’s only a flame destined to leave me in deeper darkness when it dies.
A sob breaks free from my chest as I open the car door. Before I can talk sense into myself, I’m running to the kitchen garden door. As usual, it’s the one lock that never seems to get fastened, and I let myself into the dark kitchen. Feeling like a thief in the night, I mentally map where the lighted window might be and decide which staircase to take.
With my shaking phone flashlight, I carefully pick my way through the dark, cavernous rooms, ignoring the judgmental eyes of dimly lit portraits and statuary. Thankfully, I don’t have to search for long before I see a radiant line of light coming from beneath a closed door. Every nerve ending in my body jolts to life.
I swallow hard. Last night, Jude laid it all on the line for me, and I turned him down for Henry. For everything IthoughtI wanted. If anything is going to happen between us now, it will be up to me to cross that line, and there won’t be any going back.
I close my eyes and, for a moment, wish I could ask Agatha what to do. But then realize I already know exactly how she’d respond.Who do youwant,Gracie?
And while the consequences might be anything but, the answer is easier than my next heartbeat.
Taking a deep breath, I knock on the door.
Immediately, I consider sprinting in the opposite direction. But before I can turn on my heel, the door opens, and Jude is there—but not any version of Jude I’ve seen before. His disheveled hair looks like it’s been in one too many disagreements with his hand, and theglasses I suspect he specifically wears to break me down are slightly askew. But it’s his outfit that instantly kills the volume on all my inner turmoil.
A plain white T-shirt stretches over a torso far more sculpted than I’m mentally, physically, or spiritually prepared for. His bare arms are exposed to me for the first time, but more pressingly, so are his tattoos.
The twin swallows are there, but there’s also a patchwork gallery above them, disappearing beneath the sleeves of his shirt in a way that begs the question—Are there more?They’re all done in the same simple black linework. I see glimpses of an olive branch. A grinning skeleton mid-escape from its closet. A pair of roller skates.
“Gracie.” His surprised voice jerks my gaze upward. “Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry,” I blurt, still half-distracted by the unexpected ink and gray sweatpants slung low on his hips. “I know it’s late, but I saw your light on, and—”
And I chose your best friend over you. I’m probably the last person you want to see for the rest of your life.
Now that I’m standing here, it becomes painfully obvious: just like with Sofia, I’ve selfishly gone seeking comfort from someone I’ve hurt.What is wrong with me?
“I’m just going to go,” I say, as shame blowtorches my face. “I’m so sorry I bothered you.”
