“I passed,” I’d whispered to him, after I’d calmed down. “I passed.”
He’d kissed my forehead, and his lips had curved into a smile against my skin. “I know.”
We’d celebrated that night, just the two of us at home. And I’d never felt lighter. Like all the weight holding me down had been lifted. Nikhil had put on music and spun me in circles, and I’d laughed until I was breathless. Dizzy and joyful and for the first time, so full of hope.
But it hadn’t taken long for reality to rear its ugly head. For my brain to start reminding me of all the practicalities I’d been ignoring for too long. I hadn’t wanted to think about moving to D.C. before.I hadn’t wanted to think aboutanythingthat came after passing the bar exam. Really, I don’t know if I would have been able to at the time. I was in such a fragile spot back then. I was truly just taking it one day at a time.
But suddenly, there was so much to do. I’d need to notify the firm that I’d passed. I’d need to fill out the paperwork to waive into the D.C. bar. And eventually, I’d need to move.
I’d always known that. Nikhil had always known that. He knew moving to D.C. had always been my plan. But the two of us rarely talked about it.
He’d mentioned moving with me to D.C. once, but it had sounded like such a faraway thing then. We’d talked about maybe trying long distance, about us visiting back and forth for a while, and him maybe moving up to be with me at some indeterminate date in the future.
But we hadn’t talked like that since Vegas. So much had changed since then. After getting married, after living with him for months, I’d realized how important this city was to him. How it was the first place he’d ever been able to call home. I knew how much that meant to him after he’d moved so often as a kid, and I knew how hard leaving all that behind would be for him.
When the firm had gotten back to me, congratulating me and officially offering me the job again, I’d told Nikhil. He’d been over the moon for me, insisting that we celebrate all over again, but he didn’t bring up what the job would mean. He didn’t bring up D.C., and out of fear, I didn’t either.
Days went by, and though I started dropping hints, he never took the bait, and my fear only grew. If he was open to moving with me, if he was excited about it, wouldn’t he have mentioned it by now? Wouldn’t he have asked what our plans were? Wouldn’t he want to talk about it with me?
The more time passed, the more I became convinced that Nikhil didn’t want to move. That he wanted to stay here.
So while I waited to hear back about my waiver for the D.C. bar, I casually began looking for jobs in Texas. After all, there was good work to do here. Policies that needed to be fought, advocacy that needed to be done. But nothing I found excited me quite like my original job offer.
I was constantly browsing real estate listings and rental properties in D.C. back then. Just to get an idea. I hadn’t completely ruled out staying in Texas, but I wanted a better sense of my options. I’d had pictures of apartments and row houses near Capitol Hill on my computer screen that day, not realizing that Nikhil had been standing right behind me.
I hadn’t known it then, but that had been the beginning of the end.
He hadn’t pushed too hard about it at first. He’d tried to make his initial questions about it sound casual, but things had quickly gotten out of hand. Our emotions and voices had been high. We’d picked at each other’s deepest wounds, knowing the right places to hit, knowing exactly what to say to draw blood.
“You never ask meanything,” he’d said. “You just plow ahead. You just decide. You don’t ask me for help or my thoughts, you just…You steamroll over everything.”
“You think Iwantto be that way?” I’d shot back. “I’ve tried to talk to you so many times, but you never want to talk about the hard things. And someone has to make plans. Someone has to figure things out. Otherwise, we’ll just end up making impulsive, irresponsible decisions. We can’t do that again. We need to—”
“So, you regret it? That’s what this is all about? You regret getting married?”
“No, god.” I’d felt like tearing my hair out. “Why does it always come back to that? I’m trying to plan a path forward forbothof us. I want you with me. Beside me. I want to make these decisions together. Why can’t you understand that?”
The fight had gone in circles. Both of us revisiting the same topics over and over again. Both of us saying the same things. Neither of us budging an inch. Until I’d finally had it.
“I’m moving,” I’d told him. I’d been at my breaking point and the answer he gave me would tell me how he really felt. If he wanted to move. If he wanted to stay. If he thought our marriage was worth fighting for. “I’m moving,” I’d said. “And I need you to come with me. Iwantyou to come with me.”
His mouth had fallen open in surprise. “What?”
“You say I never ask you for anything? Well, I’m asking you now. Move with me to D.C. Move with me, Nikhil.Please.”
He’d been speechless a moment, the muscles in his throat working. “You can’t ask me like this, Meenakshi. I haven’t…I don’t—”
“Then how am I supposed to ask you?”
“I don’t know. But not like this. It’s not supposed to be like this.”
I’d thrown my hands up. “How’s it supposed to be then? You want things to stay the way they are? Me living here? Stuck all day in this house? Always waiting foryou?”
His head had reared back. But instead of responding, instead of telling me that he’d move with me, or that he wouldn’t, or that he wanted to one day but wasn’t ready yet, he’d just left. And that had told me everything I needed to know.
I’d packed that night, checked into a hotel, and made my plans. I did exactly what I’d said I was always going to do. I moved to D.C.
And Nikhil didn’t call. He didn’t text. He didn’t come after me.
