Which means he wouldn’t come with me. Just like he wouldn’t come with me then.
And I still don’t really know why that happened. Why he thought I didn’t want him with me. He’s still avoiding talking about hard things.
My heart slams against my rib cage, and I hate it. These turbulent emotions, these up-and-down swings, I can’t do this again. I can’t get caught up in this. My career and my dreams and my plans of running for office, I can’t afford to let any of that fall by the wayside.
Not when I could have something safe and stable with someone who understands my goals, who shares them, who could help me achieve them.
“How can this bereal,Nikhil?” My voice breaks, but I push through. “We’ve been living in a fantasy. Trapped in this house, away from everything, isolated from the real world, but this can’t last forever. I can’t stay— I’ve…I’ve built a life of my own. I can’t just come back here and go back to being rootless and lost and stuck in this house. I can’t go back to being that sad, dark version of myself again. I can’t.”
“It wouldn’t be that.” His brows crease. “There are things you want to do here. You told me there are things you want to do here.”
“Like what? Run for office? For a seat that might not even be available?” I blow out a breath. “We don’t know if Garcia is actually retiring, and even if she is, we both know Elizabeth is probably going to run and what are the chances I’d win against someone established and connected to this city like her? Why would I—why should I give up on the seat in Maryland? That’s real. That’s sure. All of this…it’s just adrenaline. Exhaustion. We haven’t been thinking straight.”
“What about last night? That was real, Meena.” A muscle in his cheek jumps, but his expression is raw, deeply earnest, when he says, “It was real to me.”
I soften for a moment, even as I feel myself torn in two. “You’re right. It was real, but that was never our problem, Nikhil. It was…It was the only thing that worked between us, and it’s not enough.”
“So, that’s it? That’s all we—”
“What else is there, Nikhil? There’s nothing left for me here. Nothing.”
He winces, and it almost makes me want to retract the words.
“We can’t make this work,” I say instead. “You’ve put roots down here. This is your home. You have community here and things you’re working toward and I’m so…I’m so happy to see that. Really. But I need those things too. Ihavethose things in D.C. My job, the race in Maryland, and I have…I have someone waiting for me in D.C.”
Nikhil pales. “I thought you weren’t…You said you weren’t—”
“I’m not. Not right now. He ended things, because…well, because ofthis. But we had plans. We talked about running for office side by side, about maybe even getting married one day, but I can’t do that. I can’t do any of that if I’m still married to you.”
He’s quiet for a long moment.
“That’s why you want the divorce?” he says. “So you can marry him?”
“I want to at least have the option. I want to at least have achoice.”
The disbelieving sound that escapes his mouth cuts like a dagger. “Tell me this, has he met your family? Do your parents like him? Is he everything they wanted for you?”
“Yes, but why…” I shake my head, confused by the abrupt change in topic. “What are you—”
He stares at me, the fire in his gaze slowly dying. “It doesn’t matter.”
My temper flares. He’s still shutting me out, still refusing to let me in. “Clearly it does. Talk to me!”
“You never let me meet your family!” The words explode from his chest. All at once. And then there’s silence. All I hear is a ringing in my ears, the aftereffect of the grenade he just let loose.
“We…we both agreed,” I stammer. “We both agreed that it would be best to wait. That we would wait awhile before breaking the news to them.”
“How long, Meena? We’d been married for ayear. How long were you going to wait?”
“I…I don’t—”
He raises a hand. “I understood it at first. After Vegas. With the way it happened and with everything with your sister. I understood why you would have been a little worried about telling them, but…” He shakes his head. “You were never going to tell them.”
“That’s not true,” I say, but I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince him or myself. Nikhil hadn’t brought up meeting my family during the first holiday we’d spent together. Or the second. But as we neared the six-month mark, he’d casually asked if we should invite my parents for dinner. Or even just my sister. I’d refused, panicking, and saying this wasn’t the right time. My second attempt at the bar exam was only weeks away. We’d do it later. After that.
He’d retreated. Hiding out in the garage, working on something or other. I’d hurt him, but his response had hurt me too. We’d fought the next few days. Over little things, neither of us bringing up the topic of my family again. But we tiptoed around it, our anger building to an all-time high on our six-month anniversary. The anniversary where I gave him the cologne he inexplicably still wears now. But I’d told myself that the tension between us was only temporary.That things would be fine once the bar exam was over. Once I passed.
Once I was able to prove that I hadn’t failed, that I was back on track, I’d be able to introduce him to my parents. I’d worked so hard to make sure they never worried about me. I’d followed every rule. I’d achieved every milestone. I’d made plans and backup plans to make sure things turned out the right way. And then it had all gone awry.
