“That being said, I do believe that we have the ability to grow from our mistakes. Many of us come to study psychology not because we are perfect, but because we are very aware of the fact that we are not. I have made many mistakes myself, Ellie, but I choose to see them as evidence that I will be an empathic listener and diligent student of humanity. Now that we are laying everything out on the table, I’d like to hear what you think you can bring to this field. And let me be clear about one thing,” she said, leaning forward with her elbows on her desk. “Hiding your flaws is useless. There’s power in scars. So show me what you’ve got.”
“Well,” said Ellie, clearing her throat. “If mistakes make a great clinician, I will likely be quite successful. Not only am I painfullyaware of the ways in which I have used my degree for the sake of entertainment, but I am also aware of the ways in which I have tortured myself with guilt over that fact. I have pushed people away, ignored my own emotional needs, and viewed errors in judgment as blemishes to be expunged rather than opportunities for growth.”
“I see,” said Dr. Feldman.
“Additionally, I have recently discovered that I am autistic.” Ellie paused to check Dr. Feldman’s reaction but found only a steady gaze. She took a breath and kept going. “I admit that up until recently, I had questioned my own ability to be an effective clinician in light of this. However, I have done extensive research on the topic and have understood that not only are autistic people highly skilled therapists, but in some cases, our ability to assimilate and synthesize large amounts of information can make us superlative. Further, I have come to realize that by stepping into this profession, I will be able to reach more people like me and hopefully change a few people’s minds about what it means to be neurodiverse. Finally…” Ellie trailed off. She had practiced everything up to this point in the car, but now it didn’t seem like quite enough. “Finally, I truly, deeply want to do this. The work that clinicians do is important, and I have so much to give. I know that I, just as I am, can help people, just as they are.”
Dr. Feldman sat back in her chair a moment, laying her hands on the desk. Standing suddenly, she marched over to a small glass cabinet and pulled out two tumblers. She placed one glass in front of Ellie and one in front of herself, then extracted a bottle of twelve-year-old Balvenie from the same cabinet. “Shall we do this properly?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Ellie said. And for once, she knew that she didn’t need to say more. There was no need to delve into her prepared topics on the theory of Love vs. Fear citing Gerald Jampolsky, or to pledgeher faith to growth mindsets and her beloved Carol Dweck. No infobomb was necessary. This woman was either going to give her a shot or tell her to go become a bricklayer and that was that.
“Cheers.” Dr. Feldman picked up her glass and raised it toward Ellie. “To wise women.”
“To wise women,” Ellie repeated, hoping like hell she qualified. Ellie took a sip and winced, almost positive that her throat had been lit on fire. Dr. Feldman didn’t so much as wiggle an eyelash.
“I’m not sure what kind of miracles we can perform, Dr. Beltrami. Some of it is going to require hard work and haggling. But,” she said, pulling out a notepad and pen, “everything you said could not be more correct. Let’s talk possibilities.”
CHAPTER 29
“What are you doing?” Ellie asked the woman who looked an awful lot like her mother preening in the bathroom mirror. This woman was wearing a dark-plum sleeveless dress with a pair of strappy heels and a swingy new pair of chandelier earrings. She had pulled her shoulder-length hair into a low bun, revealing moisturized shoulders and the hint of a black bra strap.Black. Ellie watched as Peggy dabbed the tip of her ring finger into an ancient-looking eyeshadow palette with most of the shades used up. She ran her finger across one closed eyelid and then the other, leaving behind a trace of beige shimmer. She was about to reach for a clear plastic tube of cranberry lipstick when Ellie started to see purple and black amoeba-like spots dance across her vision.
“Mom? Did you hear me?”
“Well of course I did, I am standing right here. I’m putting on makeup, what does it look like I’m doing?”
“I’m not sure because I don’t think I’ve ever seen you do it before.” Ellie folded her arms.
“Oh, come on, now. I wear makeup.” Peggy’s eyes flicked over to Ellie glowering at her in the mirror. “Sometimes. On special occasions.”
“Is this a special occasion?”
“It might be,” Peggy said, drawing a swipe of color across her bottom lip.
Ellie felt her stomach turn inside out. This moment had to come sooner or later, she knew it. Her mom was pretty, smart, kind, and even sort of funny in spite of herself. Of course she would want to date. Men would want to date her. It was a completely normal situation. But, Ellie never imagined in a million years that she would have to be there to watch it happen up close and personal. What if her mother stayed out late? Or wanted to bring this guy home? The amoebas swam back into view, making Ellie grab the towel rack for support.
“Well, wh-who’s the lucky guy?”
“You know, I don’t remember you ever being this nosy.” Peggy dabbed at her bottom lip.
“And I don’t remember you being this… shoulder-y. Would you like me to go find you a suitable wrap?”
“I don’t need a wrap,” Peggy said, snapping shut the lipstick case. She turned back to the mirror and smoothed a stray lock of hair behind her right ear. “It’s about a million degrees out. But sweetie, you do need to relax.”
“I’m perfectly relaxed. Do I not seem relaxed?” Ellie followed her mother down the hall and out to the kitchen. Peggy put her lipstick into a small clutch purse and drew two tissues out of a box. She paused and scanned her daughter’s face.
“It’s just that you have that A-minus look,” Peggy said, folding the tissues into the bag.
“I have what now?”
“It’s the look that you used to get when you’d gotten an A-minus on something. Like you needed to know what tiny thing was wrong rather than think about the huge amount that was completely fine.”
“Isn’t it natural to ask—”
“Remember when I told you that you and I were going to be okay?” Peggy smiled.
“Yes, but—”
“Well, we’re going to be.”
