The thought of going back to New York made her feel exhausted. What was there for her now? Of course she had Ben, but everything else that had anchored her life was gone. It didn’t feel like going home so much as returning to the scene of the crime. And then there was the phone call with Omar, where she barely started sayingI want you to knowbefore he cut her off, telling her that he was already keeping his eyes open for new opportunities and she shouldn’t blame herself because he had an equal part in the mistake. She swore to every divine entity she could think of that she would do everything in her power to help him find a job. He laughed and said he did not doubt her diligence for a second. He was being kind, but it still felt terrible. “Looks like you were right about that guy,” said Omar. “It’s probably for the better. God knows where thatcabrónwill end up.”
It turned out that he would end up twenty feet away from her for the next three hours, at least. She’d rather be dipped in fire ants than be this close to him, but unfortunately, she loved her grandmother. Ellie felt Graziella brush her elbow with her fingertips, pulling her out of her daze and right back into the wedding.
“Andiamo, gioia,” she whispered.
Ellie snapped into a smile and took her first step forward, focusing on the short man who would serve as officiant wearing a red, white, and green sash across his overly formal black suit. She tried very hard to let her eyes rest on the glint of moisture running down his temples in the early evening heat and not on the six-foot-three tractor beam standing a few feet to his left. Cris probably looked perfect—shaved and ironed andabnormally zhuzhed by his fashionable brothers. She was not walking down this aisletoCris, she was walking down the aisle in spite of him. Also, because prosecco was on the other side of the “I do’s.”
Ellie took her place next to the other bridesmaids as her dad escorted the radiant Graziella down the aisle. The bride wore a blush-pink sheath while the other bridesmaids wore dresses in a range of violets and blues, but all had the same white orchid hair clip. Ellie had been to a few other weddings, but never had she seen a more genuinely excited wedding party. The other bridesmaids stood tittering behind Ellie, waving to the guests and beaming at the groomsmen. Gio kissed Graziella as Ben took his place behind Leo. Then the music stopped and the group grew quiet. She felt a surge of sparks in her belly. Why was she this nervous? It wasn’t her wedding. Her nerves broke her concentration and her eyes flicked to him. Cris was staring right at her. She looked away immediately.
“We are gathered here today to celebrate the love and commitment between Graziella and Simone, two people who have come together in the best moment of their lives because it is now, here, with all of us. These two beautiful people did not have to marry, that is certain, but their desire to become united is a symbol of the power of love.” The officiant read from a tiny notebook, looking up to address both sides of the terrace. “Great love is so powerful that it must be obeyed, no matter the circumstances.”
Easy for him to say. All he had to do was show up and pull the equivalent of a state-notarized nose twinkle, drink a glass of wine, and jump on his scooter to the next shindig. Obeying the call of love was probably easy for a guy who got to charge 500 euros per ceremony. She must have been scowling because Ben was jamming his fingers into the corners of his mouth at her from across the aisle. She stood upstraighter. This was a once-in-a-lifetime moment and her inner monologue of acid was not welcome. She just wished that she didn’t have to see Cris and get distracted. But wait. If she leaned her hip an inch or two to the left, she would be staring at the ceremony directly through the spray of tulle attached to Graziella’s bridal version of the orchid hair clip and not have to see anyone at all.
“I, Simone Conte, offer myself to you, Graziella Beltrami, as husband.”
Ellie flicked her eyes over to Ben again, who winked back at her. Apparently, the wedding magician had the time to update the vows as well. She smiled and listened as they delivered their lines while holding each other’s hands. It really was amazing. According to everything she knew about her grandmother and Simone, it never occurred to them that what they were doing was revolutionary. It was that they were in love and simply wanted to share their joy with all of their family and friends. Love was not a young person’s game, only for those who had time to burn. It was not an unfettered person’s game, only for people who were without scars and baggage. For Simone and Graziella, love was theirs, now, for however long forever would be.
Ellie looked over at her brother again, expecting to be scolded into more smiling. He was smiling, but not at her. He and Leo were beaming and flushed, clearly successfully flirting after a mere two occasions seeing each other in a decade. It was more proof that she and Cris made the kind of sense reserved for other doomed pairings in this country like pineapple and pizza.
“I now declare you to be joined in—” The officiant stopped short as Simone pulled Graziella in for a kiss, making the entire group laugh. Ben leaned out of line to wave to the waitress again, and “And I Love Her” by the Beatles played out over the speakers. The officiant continuedhis concluding remarks, but Simone and Graziella were already dancing. Everyone stood clapping, and Simone stepped back to spin his new bride slowly, never letting go of her hand. Mario reached his hand out to Cinzia and began twirling her in the aisle. Ugo and Franco stepped over to Renata and Pina, embracing their wives, then rocked back and forth in time with the music. Her father wandered over to her mother, who seemed to give up on trying to ignore him and stood up, letting herself be led to an open space to dance. Greta and Flavio spun Odetta and Ivano as Matilde tried to grab the flower petals. In the middle of it all, Ellie stood still and let the tears come again for what felt like the millionth time in two days. But this time, she wasn’t crying out of frustration or confusion. She was crying for love.
Cris had said goodbye to Italy countless times in the past, but never with the unshakable feeling that something was truly ending. The twins were already on their way back to Colorado just one day after the wedding, his mom took the train to Milan earlier that morning to visit some friends for a few days, and the grandparents were getting ready to spend the next week on their honeymoon in Tenerife. It was just him, Ellie, and the pile of shrapnel they’d left behind.
He stood hunched over the splayed-open duffel on the little bed in his old room and tried to squeeze his clothing in semi-neatly, but he was in a total fog. It was as though he’d been dreaming for the entire week and then had been forced to wake up. He was now in the groggy space that every dreamer knew, when there was no real way back to what magic they had felt on the other side, no matter how hard they tried. He closed his eyes tight, trying to remain in the place where Elliewas in his arms on a warm summer night in Chiavari and anything was possible.
A door opened on the first floor of the house. Simone was probably here to take him to the airport. He’d wanted to get a taxi so his grandfather could relax for the day before his trip, but Simone wouldn’t hear of it.
“I’m ready! I’ll be down in one second!” Cris called out, but he didn’t get a response. Of course, it wasn’t strange since his grandfather’d had swimmer’s ear so many times that he was lucky to still have any hearing at all. Cris fit the last couple of balled-up socks into the corners of his duffel and zipped it closed. He could hear footsteps coming up the stairs, but they sounded way too light to be Simone.
“I didn’t come here to see you,” said Ellie behind him. Cris whirled around in shock to see her standing in the doorway in cutoff jeans and a gray tank top. Her hair was in a ponytail and her eyes still looked puffy, but she was beautiful. And he was the worst. “There’s still a lot of stuff to break down and bring back here from the wedding, and I took my brother off duty, but I forgot that you would still be here.”
“It’s okay, I—” he began, but she kept talking.
“I thought it would be more awkward to come in the house, drop a box of candles, and leave without saying anything, than at least tell you I was here. So, I’m here.”
“You’re here.”
“But it’s still awkward, so I am going to go.”
“Don’t go.” He said it. He meant it. But what did he think she was going to do? Watch him stick his entire foot in his mouth as he tried to say something intelligent? “Even if it’s awkward.”
“Your grandfather is on his way over here, and I have more rollsof tulle to maneuver, so really—I’m going to leave.” Ellie turned and started back down the stairs.
“Wait!” he yelled. He fumbled in his back pocket. “I wrote notes. A lot of them. I couldn’t decide which one was best.” Cris stood at the top of the steps and held his phone out to her, but she kept walking toward the door. “Dear Ellie, I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am. Dear Ellie, I didn’t think this would happen. Please remember that. Dear Ellie, I don’t know where to begin, but I know I have to start this somehow. I am lost. Dear Ellie…” he trailed off as she paused on the threshold.
“Stop.” Ellie stood just inside the door with her back to him, not moving. She turned back to him, slow as melting ice. “You may not believe this, but I have other things to worry about right now. Damn it, it’s always the same with you. You think that because you go to therapy and say the right things, you’re doing everything right? You’re not. So I am going to stop you.” She tipped her head back and looked up at the ceiling while pressing her index fingers into the corners of her eyes. “We tried, okay? We are not meant to be. We never were.” She put her face down and landed her eyes on his. “Go home, Cris. Let me go home, too.”
Cris squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head. Though her footsteps echoed down the hall and out the door, he knew he couldn’t bear to watch her walk away. Again.
CHAPTER 27
From the moment Ellie sat back in the ridiculously comfortable seat inside her very own elegant compartment in the first-class cabin on an ITA flight she knew that she was going to leave New York. A sense of dread of being in the city again had crept in at the wedding and never found its way out. So when she’d said goodbye to her parents at the airport as they boarded their flight back to Los Angeles, instead of walking down two gates to begin her sentencing to a middle seat in Delta economy class back to Newark, she decided on a last-minute upgrade. She kept walking to the ITA counter and bought a ticket so expensive it made her eyes water. Why not? The first sip of champagne after the flight attendant had shown her how to recline the plush seat made her forget the price entirely, but the second sip reminded her of where she was headed and it still didn’t feel good.
She called Nate at Magniv before boarding to tell him that she was both unable to secure Cris Conte as a guest and not willing to turn the show into a circus. He said he appreciated her honesty and said astring of phrases like “due to budgetary considerations” and “possible future collaboration” and “had an amazing run” before letting her know that someone from HR would be contacting her to close out her paperwork.Games Overwould hopefully fade into people’s memory after a quick press release explaining that Ellie would be moving on to “other projects”—whatever that meant. It wouldn’t take more than a couple of days before some new shiny story captured people’s attention.
That was the relatively easy part, but so many questions ran across her mind like a stock market ticker. What was she going to do in New York now that she had no reason to be there? Would the media be satisfied with her show collapsing or would they chase her around looking for more information? How long could she afford her life if she actually got brave enough to pursue the clinical internship? Would she cringe walking by the fishbowl or have to take a detour clear around Midtown? And how did she feel about her mom living all alone now that her father was moving into an apartment near the USC aquatic center?
Instead of trying to stop the thoughts out of fear like she normally would, she let them fly around until they landed. Every question began to have the same answer: go back to California. There was a slight tug in the back of her mind that questioned the logic of moving closer to where Cris would be, but San Francisco was as close to LA as New York City was to Newport News, Virginia. If two cities were far enough apart that people could speak in an entirely different accent and understand the mysteries of the term “yield” while driving, it was far enough.
