By the end, I feel euphoric as my partner gives me a thank you grin, and I scan the crowd to find Helen and Ben. Helen is audibly cheering me on. Ben gives me a thumbs up. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter whether I make the top five. The whole point was to do this and survive.
As I have the thought, I notice Ollie standing at the back of the room. He looks away as soon as I see him, but why is here? What does that mean?
When the awards are given, it turns out that both Jody and I have placed high enough to compete tomorrow in the Novice/Champion event, which I credit entirely to my partner, but I’ll take it as a victory. I try to tell myself that I don’t even care who I dance with. I can’t make myself believe it, though.
Then I pass him as we exit the event.
“Hey,” he says gently when he sees me. “You looked great.”
“Thanks.” Bitterness has crept into my voice.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Ollie asks.
“Not right now,” I say firmly. “My friends are waiting for me.”
He nods. He looks like he wants to say more, but I walk away as quickly as I can.
“What just happened?” Ben asks as I catch up to the group. “Ollie looks like you just slapped him in the face.”
“Ollie doesn’t know what he wants,” Jody comments. I wonder if that’s true. Something in Ben’s expression makes me turn around, though. Ollie is still watching me, his face perplexed. I turn and keep walking, feeling the tension pulling me back to him as I move further away, waiting for it to snap. The connection still hasn’t broken, but I tell myself that it will with time. I never thought I’d be over Nick, either. A little internal bleeding is a normal part of the process.
After lunch,Ben, Jody and I try another workshop while Helen rests her feet, then we prepare to watch the advanced pairs compete in the afternoon. It’s not going to be easy watching Ollie and Eliana, but I want to see the other competitors, the best dancers in the world. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. Thetruth is, I need to see them together. I need to know how they are together.
On our way into the ballroom, I am surprised to see Eliana wave me over. She is dressed in a sleek, sexy black outfit to perform, but she still has her hair in a youthful ponytail.
“Hey!” she says with a cheery smile, like we are already besties. “I saw you did well at the Novice competition. I remember you learning some of that in my class.”
This could be a subtle insult, but I can’t figure out why she would bother. Maybe she really is this nice. “Yeah, I’ve been taking a lot of classes,” I agree.
“Ollie was impressed. He said that for a newcomer, you’re doing really well.”
Is that another insult? Or am I paranoid? “That’s very sweet of him.”
“Yeah. He’s a really sweet guy.” Her face puckers into a frown. “I’m just a little worried about him.”
“Okay?” I prompt, when it becomes clear that she’s waiting for me to speak.
“Well,” she sighs, “I don’t know if you know what happened with his ex-wife, but…”
I nod.
“I just worry that maybe he’s trying to create some kind of replacement family for the one he didn’t get to have.”
Wait, what?I take a moment to reply, trying to make sure I’m not getting her wrong. “You mean, because I have a daughter?”
“I don’t mean in a bad way. At all,” she rushes to say, her voice warm and kind. “I just mean he’s been kind of a lost soul the last couple of years. I’ve talked to him a lot.”
I don’t say anything. Did she really just imply that Ollie was dating me because I have a kid? And he wants to replace the one he lost when his wife left him?
Early-twenties Laura would have gone on the attack, but I decide to channel my passive-aggressive accountant. “Well, if you’re worried about something you should definitely speak to him about it. Use the words ‘replacement family,’ too. That should go well.”
Her eyes widen, like she is genuinely surprised that I’ve taken her words as anything but kindness. “I’m just warning you that I don’t think he’s in a healthy place. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”
Her voice is so sincere that I’m a bit taken aback. Is she really trying to help me? It slowly dawns on me that she may be the most brilliant kind of manipulator, the kind who imputes such a purity to her own motives that she convinces herself that she has no underlying stake in what she’s saying. I remember the way Ollie always talked about Eliana, emphasizing what a good person she is and how sorry she was for hurting him. She must have told him all of that herself, and now she believes her own press. She must be really certain that she should be judged by the supposed purity of her intentions, not the damage caused by her actions. Nick was like that, in his own way. He lied to me so well for so long because he had completely convinced himself that his motives were good.
“Sure. Thanks.”
She blinks once. “I really did mean well,” she persists, acting wounded. “Well, I should go compete.”
