“I have my motorcycle license,” I mention casually, to Ben’s consternation. “It was a requirement for keeping up with my guitar player ex. I even owned one for about three months, before I got pregnant. After that it seemed stupid to keep it.”
“That the ex who’s living with you?” Jody asks.
“He was on my sofa, but he is back on tour. He just stayed around long enough that Ollie could decide that I was still emotionally involved with my ex and dump me. Which was probably Nick’s whole strategy.”
“Ollie dumped you?” Ben looks surprised.
“He is insecure?” Helen says. “I wouldn’t have pegged him as the type.”
“Well, he did announce he doesn’t trust women before our first date.”
Ben stares at me. “Oh, man.”
“I know,” I say. “I was stupid to go out with him. You can say it.”
“No, it’s not that,” Ben says. “It’s just that he gave himself an out. As soon as he messed up, he could say, ‘Well, I warned you.’”
I pretend that the words don’t hurt as much as they do. “Or he never liked me that much.”
“No, he did,” Ben says. “I saw how he looked at you during the first class. I thought you two were a couple already. But I think he must have walked into the relationship saying, ‘What are fifteen ways I can screw this up?’ And then he did them. I mean, with Paige, I went into the whole relationship thinking I wasn’t good enough for her, and then, sure enough, her parents thought I didn’t have the confidence to be good enough for her.” Ben frowns. I wonder if he is realizing this for the first time.
“So what exactly happened with Paige?” Helen asks. “Can you tell us?”
He leans his head back against the plush booth and sighs up at the ceiling. “Do I have to?”
None of us say anything, waiting to see if he secretly wants to. Sure enough, after a moment, he launches in.
“So we were fighting a lot. And I thought it was the wedding pressure, I mean, her parents would make anyone crazy. So I figured we spend a couple of months of trying to please her parents, they pay for the big wedding Paige wants, and then we can start our life together. But nothing was ever good enough for them. And Paige kept getting angry about everything. The flowers, the bridesmaids, her bachelorette wasn’t what she wanted. And finally, the night before the ceremony—after this ten-thousand-dollar rehearsal dinner…” (Helen whistles at the number) “…Paige is stomping around our hotel room saying that her sister’s rehearsal dinner was better and I said, ‘Are you sure you even want to do this?’ And she told me ‘I never wanted to do this. I’m not even sure I can be faithful to someone.’”
“So she was cheating?” Jody likes to cut to the chase.
Ben shakes his head. “I don’t think so. Maybe at the bachelorette, I don’t know. But I said, ‘Well, fine. What if we didn’t get married?’ And she said, ‘Then what are we together for?’ And I said, ‘To make each other happy?’ And she started talking about how she hadn’t experienced life yet, so I said, ‘Paige, what do you want?’ And she said, ‘Why are you pressuring me?’”
“How old is she?” Jody asks.
“Twenty-six.” Ben closes his eyes. “Here’s the thing, though. The marriage wasn’t even my idea. Her younger sister got married at twenty-four, and Paige kept telling me she didn’t want her little sister being ahead of her with everything, like in terms of having kids and stuff. When we first started dating, she told me that I better not waste her time and not propose.”
I nod. “So marriage was a box she had to check off to keep up with her sister?”
“Is that a woman thing?” he asks. “No offense.”
Jody shakes her head. “That’s a rich-girl-from-the-Hamptons thing.”
Ben takes a deep breath. “Can my next girlfriend be poor? That sounds nice.”
Helen smiles. “No, sweetie. My family was dirt poor, and I was so desperate for a way out that I married the first man who bothered with me. What you need is a nice, normal, middle-class girl.”
“In New York?” Jody snorts. “Good luck with that.”
“Yeah, I should probably just move back to Ohio. And I hate Ohio,” Ben says.
“You’d be hot shit in Ohio,” Jody agrees. “Are you actually Mormon?”
He shakes his head. “Presbyterian. I’m not even that uptight about drugs. I’ve smoked weed like, four times.” Jody tries not to laugh. “I’m not a loser. I’m just…” And he trails off, the way people do when they’re trying to sum up all the good things that they are not.
“Hey.” I put out a hand to Ben. “Come dance with me.”
He meets my eyes and nods once. I lead him onto the floor where three other couples are swaying. There is a shocking amount of room around us compared to our usual swing practices. Ben takes my hand and starts to lead me. He’s too upset to be counting steps, which means that he’s much better than usual. I can tell that his one beer is affecting him, too, making him a little more loose and impulsive, but then again, he probably wasn’t sober when we picked him up.
