I shrug. “Well, I got my motorcycle license for you.”
“That’s my point.” He frowns. “You’re serious about him.”
I can sense how embarrassing all this will be if Ollie dumps me. “If there’s ever anything to tell you, I will.”
“I watched some of his dances.” Nick smiles dryly. “You knew I would. You told me his name to make me jealous.”
I shrug, feeling called out. “Well, I didn’t like you insulting him. Because if you insult him, you’re insulting my judgment.”
“It’s the fact that you picked a guy who is the complete opposite of me.”
“It would be weirder if I picked someone exactly like you.”
“Not necessarily. Depends on who he was.” Nick gives me a charged smile. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. He can dance. He’s very…competent. He isn’t what you need, though.”
Competent. Of course Nick would pick that word. We look at each other for a long moment. This is what I used to call sexual chemistry, this tension between us. Now I wonder if the feeling in my chest isn’t just Nick very successfully stringing me along, never letting me get comfortable with anyone else, convincing me that what we have is an eternal, irreplaceable passion. I wonder how much of the sexual tension between us was always calculated, created on purpose from the first moment when we locked eyes. My father figures growing up all abandoned me, and maybe Nick intuited that he could keep me hooked by always being on the verge of leaving.
I wonder why I never saw it before. And once I see that, I have another realization. It isn’t just that Nick is hooking me in and then constantly leaving. It is that he is hooking me in, now, at this particular moment,becausehe is leaving. Because he knows he’s about to go, and this will keep me waiting for him. He has always been at his most passionate, his sexiest, his most loving, right before he goes away.
“Goodnight, Nick.”
His eyes flicker with an expression I can’t read. “Goodnight, Laura.”
On Friday night,I go to our usual swing club practice at Manhattan Swing Workshop. Ollie’s cute, blonde ex-girlfriend—and apparent current dance partner—Eliana is not there this time, which improves my mood a bit. Instead, one of the other instructors does a quick run-through of five different variations on the tuck-turn. A tuck-turn is a move in which a leader pulls the follower in and then spins them away again, and it feels like a reasonably good metaphor for my love life right now. I practice the move with Jody as my partner, and I manage to keep up with the instructor for the first time ever, all the way through to the end of the lesson.
“Did I just follow that entire lesson without getting lost?”
“You’re getting better,” Jody agrees. “It’s really noticeable.”
Jody is not big on compliments, so this one, although made with her typical blunt candor, warms me inside.
“I hope Ben is okay,” I tell her. “The wedding is supposed to be tomorrow, right? I’m sure he’s fine, but…”
“Yeah. I have his cell phone because I was trying to connect him up with my friend who manages a restaurant, but I’m scared to text him. His crazy fiancée probably checks his messages, and I don’t want her saying, ‘Who is Jody from swing class? Why didn’t you tell me you’re taking swing class? Are you having an affair?’ She’ll probably think I’m a man named Jody and he’s hiding that he’s gay.”
“There has to be a way to phrase it. Give me your phone.”
I compose a text to Ben.Hey Ben, it’s Jody and Laura who gave you that help with wedding planning, just wondering if everything is going well or if you two have decided to elope instead. Hope everything is coming together for your big day.
Jody considers the message. “Oh, that’s perfect.”
“You should see my passive-aggressive work emails. When I’m really mad, I sign them, Cordially yours, Laura.”
Hank, the co-teacher for our class, is helping to run the evening, and he surprises me by asking me to dance. Dancing with him feels like a pleasant mix of learning things and tryingout my steps. I should enjoy myself, but instead I find myself asking the one question I don’t want the answer to.
“So, do you know if Ollie is back with his old partner Eliana?”
“Ollie MacCormack?” Hank considers. “I think they’re dancing together for the Garden State Swing Festival. You should sign up for that, by the way. It’s in Jersey City, and it’s a great experience for new dancers. It’s one of the best swing dancing festivals on the East Coast.”
“When is it?”
“July 12thweekend. You could even compete if you want. All the big names will be there, getting ready for the national competition in the fall. And Ollie and Eliana, if you want to see them. They’re really great together.”
“I’m sure,” I say with a forced smile.
“There’s a Newcomers category, for brand new dancers, and one step up is Novice, which you could also try if you want. It’s very low-key at that level. Lots of people dipping their feet into competition. On the last day, there’s a fun event where the top Novice competitors get to do a Jack & Jill with the Champion followers and leaders.”
“That sounds terrifying.”
