“Isn’t this good, though? Don’t you like this?” he asked, motioning to the ship. “Us here in theStarfarer? Kotti and Daaric and Maeve and Telly—aren’t we enough?”
I felt a lump in my throat. It was hard to swallow. “Of course you are, Dad! It’s not that. Just—just forget about it. I’m sorry.” I pulled my knees up to my chest again and wrapped my arms around them. “The nightmare’s just got me shaken up, is all,” I lied.
He seemed to believe me, at least. He patted my head again and sat back in his chair. I curled my fingers into fists. Val was wrong about me. Itriedto talk to Dad about leaving, about going on my own adventure, but it never got any further than this, because wasn’t Dad right, in the end?
If I was happy here, then what was the point of dreaming of the stars?
We were quiet for a long moment, listening to the quiet rhythm of the ship, but then he stifled a yawn and rubbed his eyes.
I waved my hand at him. “Go to bed. I’ve got this.”
“Nah. I’m fine. You know me. I can run on strong caf and a dream.” Even as he said it, he yawned again.
“Go.You look like you might fall over at any second, and think of the scandalthatwould be.”
“I’mfine,” he groused. “I don’t need—”
Louder, I said, “ ‘Famed Rebel Pilot Falls Asleep Piloting His Own Tour.’ ”
“I don’t think I’mfamed….”
“No, but if you fall asleep on your own tour and cause a crash, you’ll be famous, and not in a way either of us want. C’mon, I’ll be fine up here alone. I’ve flown this ship a hundred times, and I’ve been on this route a thousand. It’s routine at this point. And besides, I don’t think I can fall back asleep, anyway.” The nightmare was too fresh in my head, and the lightsaber in my underwear drawer made me nervous even though it was broken. This whole tour did. The lightsaber, the First Order, Val’s reappearance, Sian,Maz…
I didn’t believe in coincidences, but I didn’t see the connections, either.
He jostled the seeds in his hand, muttering quietly to himself.
“Dad.It’s dangerous otherwise. That’s what you told me, right? A pilot’s no good to anyone without proper sleep, food, and company.”
Finally, he gave a deep sigh, then pushed himself up to his feet. “Fine. Just remember that the navicomputer’s fussy sometimes, and the vids on the crew’s deck have been cutting in and out. I’ll have to get Entoo on that.”
I tried not to wince, because I had a feeling thatwasEntoo doing the cutting…. “Noted,” I said. “Nowgo.”
He scrubbed the top of my head like he had when I was little. “Since when did you grow up, love?”
A long time ago, but you never noticed until now.I returned his smile. “Sweet dreams, old man.”
He laughed. Even that sounded tired. I didn’t remember him looking so…run-down. Was the white streak in his beard wider? Since when did his gaze look so sunken? I had thought the crow’s-feet by his eyes were just laughter lines, but they stuck around long after he stopped smiling. “If you need me, I’ll be down in a sec, you understand?”
“Aye, Captain.” I saluted.
He kissed my forehead with a soft “Love you to the ends of the galaxy.”
“Love you all the way back,” I replied, and he left the bridge.
The ship sank into quiet, and I was alone at the helm.Just the hum of the engine, the whir of space outside the viewport, and the endless expanse of sky twisting by in a kaleidoscope of ephemeral blue. I settled into the captain’s chair and looked out at the streaks of stars. I tried to concentrate, to find a path—any path—but all I could see were broken roads and dead ends. I couldn’t find Naboo. Heck, I couldn’t findanywhere.
Failure made my chest tight.
I blinked and slouched down in my chair. I remembered bits and pieces of Mom’s lessons. She’d taught Val a lot more than she ever did me, and I tried not to feel too bitter about him leaving before he ever taught me anything useful.
“You have to feel it here,” Mom had said once, tapping her sternum, “right in the middle. It’s a tug. A call, your grandmother always said. You have to want where you’re going so badly you can’t see anything else.”
Maybe that was the problem. I’d never wanted anything that badly before.
Or maybe, because I never used the gift, it had disappeared.
It was a sobering thought.
