I decide to go against making any plans and going with the flow. Closing the notebook and tucking it back onto the shelf where it goes, I leave my dorm and go two floors up to where Clayton’s is. Knocking on the door, I wait with patience for him to answer. I’m about to lift my hand to knock again when it opens.
“Hi,” I say.
“What do you need, Maxwell?”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I broke your trust and that I betrayed you. I never should have done that, but I did it. I can’t go back and change what I did, but I can change what Ido.I’m sorry that I hurt you and that I ruined a good.. No, a great thing between us. When you were in the bathroom at the park, I was telling Mav and Dax that I wasn’t going along with it anymore.”
The words are pouring out of me in quick spurts because I’m afraid if I don’t say it fast enough, he’s going to slam the door in my face.
“I thought it was going to be fine, that it wouldn’t mean anything to me, but it turned out it meant everything. That you mean everything. You’re the first guy I’ve ever liked, ever even thought of liking and I hadn’t known how true that was until I didn’t see you everyday.”
Clayton is staring at me, gripping the door with a tight fist, but he doesn’t say anything. He just lets me speak. I’m grateful for it.
“The last eight days have beenhell.I’ve done shit I’m not proud of, used people in ways I probably shouldn’t have, smoked too much weed, too many cigarettes, but I did it all because I was drowning in my pain. My demons were too strong and I couldn’t win until I had to use violence.”
Clayton’s face turns sad at the truth, but I keep pushing through it.
“Remember when I was telling you how I would fight as a kid if something pissed me off or upset me? That was exactly what I had to do and it helped. It opened my eyes and I can see so clearly now. I know that I was wrong, I do, but I can’t change the past, Clayton. I can only change the future.”
“Thank you for apologizing and acknowledging what you did was not right. However, I still don’t forgive you or want to even look at you. Goodbye, Maxwell.” He doesn’t give me a chance to respond before he closes the door in my face. This time, I let him.
Chapter 17
Clayton
I’msittinginAnatomyearly as I always do. Staring at the door, I wait and wait and wait to see if Maxwell is going to show up. If he does, this will be the first time in the last week. His visit to my room last night gave me light on what he was doing when he wasn’t sitting in his seat between Maverick and Dax.
Every day in class I could feel their eyes in the back of my head, but I sat looking straight and taking notes. I refused to look at them because if I did, I was afraid they’d see the pain all over my face.
I’ve tried my hardest to mask it, to not let anyone see how much I’m suffering. Maxwell didn’t help that. Seeing him twice over the weekend has me feeling… confused. The apology made it worse. It looks like this is killing him more than it is me, but I refuse to break because my heart can’t take a hit from Maxwell Levine again.
The door opens and he walks in, two coffees in his hands and a pastry bag with friends trailing behind him like a shadow. Whereveryou find Maxwell, you’ll find Maverick and Dax, too. He walks right over to me and places one of the cups of coffee and the bag on my desk. “Black with two pumps of caramel. Gluten free croissant.”
“Why are you bringing me this?”
“A treat.”
“I don’t need it,” I say.
“Just take it. I got it for you.”
“I didn’t ask-”
“I know you didn’t. I got it for you because I wanted to.” He doesn’t say anything else or take it away from me, but he takes the seat next to me.
Ever since he had sat next to me for weeks, no one sits there now. It felt like a ghost of a presence the entire time he was skipping. Now, it feels like there’s too much too close to me.
“Why are you sitting there?”
“I can hear Professor Adams better from here,” he lies right through his teeth.
“Lying won’t get you any points, Maxwell.”
“I’m not lying,” he smirks. That same boyish one he’s always had.
The rest of the students file in and Professor Adams does his lecture. While he speaks, I look at him and only him, refraining from turning to my right to see the boy sitting next to me. I try to ignore his presence, but it’s hard when his leg keeps touching mine and it sends a tingling sensation through my body.
Taking notes with my pencil, I grip it so tight that I snap it in half. One piece falls to the floor and it echoes loudly in the mostly silent room.
