He ignores the question.
“One night I almost left. You were up all night, crying and crying and crying. Your mom couldn’t soothe you. She was exhausted and so was I. I wanted you to stop so bad. I didn't want to hear you screaming any longer, but instead I picked you up. Do you want to know what you did?”
“What did I do?” I rasp.
“You stopped crying. You weren’t talking much. Maybe only a year old at the time. But you stopped crying and wiggling and you looked right into my eyes and saidDada.” He smiles at the memory. Not one of those smiles that doesn’t reach his eyes, no, this one does. His crows feet show and even catch a glimpse of his teeth, too.
“I vowed to myself from that point forward that I would love you and I did. I do. But as you grew older, you turned into an angry kid. You found an outlet through adrenaline and doing things you shouldn’t be doing, and you turned right back into every kid I despised.”
“Is this supposed to make me feel better?”
“No, but maybe understand.”
“You are my father,” I say.
“I never wanted to be, but I loved you anyway!”
“After a year and then a few later, you hated me again. Thanks for wasting my time this morning,” I snapped. Rising to my feet, I walk away just as the food is coming. I excused myself to the waitress, leaving my father alone with two meals and a bill to pay.
He can go rightfully fuck himself.
I Ubered back to campus. The walk would have only been about twenty minutes, but the state my body is in wouldn’t allow for that.
Really, I needed the food that was being offered to me, but I couldn’t sit through one more minute of what Randall was saying.
It was the only thing on my mind, and I didn’t want to think about it. Took a long ride on my bike until I ran out of gas, filled back up, and continued to ride. Had to fill the tank one more time before going back to campus. Barely knew what towns and cities I drove through, but it didn’t matter. I had my phone, myself, and an open road. That was all I needed.
Back on campus, I’d texted my friends and told them to meet me out at our spot. It took them almost half an hour to get there, and in that time, I chain-smoked almost five cigarettes. My lungs burn. My throat aches, but it’s better than the alternative.
“You smell like an ashtray,” Mav says as he sits down next to me. I’m pretty sure it’s the couch he’s smelling, and he’s just an asshole, but I don’t bother. Just shrug my shoulders at him.
“You still bent out of shape about last night?” Dax asks. His hair is tied back into braids. The sun is shining bright today, and the weather like this always makes his eyes look see-through in a way that’s like you’re staring through glass.
“Nope.”
“Why are you so... Down?” Mav ponders. He’s wearing a Sunrise University ballcap, hiding his buzzed head. Days like today with the brightness and high UV’s, he is always wearing a hat to refrain from a sunburn on his head.
I turn my head to look at him by my side and back to Dax, who is sitting in front of us on the rickety coffee table.
I tell them everything my father said to me. Word for word, as if I’m in his shoes, telling it to me. The words are ingrained in my brain and my heart.
And you turned right back into every kid I despised.
Leaning my head back against the couch, staring into the blue sky, I tell them without making eye contact. Before they have a chance to say anything, all of our phones ding at the same time. I don’t move to see what it is.
Mav moves next to me, probably to grab his phone.
“It’s an email from the school,” he says.
“What does it say?” Dax asks for me.
“Dean Randall Levine is no longer going to be working here.”
My head snaps up, and I yank Mav’s phone out of his hand to scan the letter.
Another University had an opening. He will be transferring. Randall will not be disclosing where he will be going.
“Good fucking riddance,” I mutter.
