“So?What’d you think?”June asks.
I scratch my jaw, unable to look her in the eye.“They’re great, June.Really great.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I murmur, too lost in my own thoughts to give her more than a one-word answer as I head to the airport.The weekend went by in a blur of early mornings, celibacy, good food, hard work, and game nights after dinner.It was so jam-packed, this is the first time June and I have been alone enough to really talk.Or maybe I’m lying to myself.Maybe the reason we haven’t really talked has nothing to do with our lack of ample privacy and everything to do with the demons from my past.
“You sure?”A divot forms between June’s brows in my periphery.“You still seem…quiet.”
I am.Fuck me, I don’t want to be, but I can’t help it.I’m lost in my own thoughts, and an all too familiar game of what-if.What if I was raised with a different father?What if I was raised with the same father, but instead of being a dick with a short fuse, he knew how to hold back?He understood I was a fucking kid who only wanted to be seen.What if I learned how to watch my mouth and activate a filter that comes so easily to my brothers?It doesn’t matter how many years it’s been since I realized my dad would always be an asshole.The feeling hits just as hard.I have everything.Money.Power.Opportunities.Looks.
June’s hand finds my forearm resting in my lap.“Ford, talk to me.”
Jaw tight, I look down at where she’s touching me.Her smooth skin and dusty pink nails.Pretty.Feminine.Subtle.Just like June.“Do you want the truth?”I meet her gaze again only to find her baby blues shining back at me.There it is.The open, raw acceptance that is June Withers.“I’m jealous, June Bug.”
Her brows pull.“Jealous?”
“Yeah.”A dry, humorless laugh escapes me.“Jealous as hell.”I reach up and touch her cheek with my thumb before turning my attention back to the road.“I love my brothers.Trust me, I’d die for any of them.But there’s something about having a mom and a dad.Parents who care.”A lump lodges in my throat.“I’m jealous, June.Jealous you got that when I never did.”
It hurts to admit it out loud, but it’s a good hurt.I’m so used to bottling shit up that giving it room to breathe feels…cleansing, almost.
“Can I ask you something?”she whispers.
“You always do,” I muse.
With a smile, she turns her head and kisses my palm as if hoping it’ll soften her question.“What happened to your mom?Was she…was she like your dad?”
“Not even close.”The words feel like cannonballs.Heavy and explosive.I sigh.“My mom was great.She was kind.Generous.And she always put her kids first.”I pause.“My dad hated it.Said she coddled us.Was turning us into spineless, brainless, wastes of space who would only squander every dime of their inheritance.”
“Sounds like a piece of work.”
“He was.Is,” I correct myself.
“Did she know about…” She doesn’t finish her sentence, but it doesn’t take a genius to piece together what she’s referring to.
“Did she know my sperm donor liked to beat my ass every once in a while?Yeah.Maybe not fully,” I say, needing to defend her.“It’s not like I’d show her my bruised ass or the welts on my back.She only saw the bruises once.”A haze blurs my vision as the memories flash through me, making me feel like it happened yesterday.“They were on my wrist from when he grabbed me for eating all the cookies Doris made that day.After, my mom brought it up to Titas, and it turned into a fight from hell.It lasted for days.I can still hear them screaming.”I rub at the edge of my jaw, trying to stay here.In the present.“She threatened divorce.He threatened to take away her company, the one she’d built from the ground up.”
“So she stayed for her company?”June breathes out.It’s laced with disdain and disbelief.Like she can’t believe my mom would be so selfish that she’d sacrifice my safety for it.
I shake my head.“He said he’d leave her and her kids destitute.Penniless.Take everything she worked so hard for.Everything that mattered.I couldn’t do that to her.”
She touches my arm again.“What do you mean you couldn’t do that to her?”
“I couldn’t ruin everything all because I had a big mouth,” I explain.“Besides, overall, their marriage was…not great, but not terrible.I do think he loved her in a weird, fucked-up way.So, she came to me.Told me to tell her if it happened again.Told me she’d pick up everything and leave him.That nothing mattered but her kids.”With a sigh, I flick on the blinker, turning onto the highway.“But I knew what was at stake, you know?And I knew my brothers and my little sister and my mom, they deserved more than that.More than being caught in the middle of my mess all because I couldn’t control myself and would say stupid shit and was way too good at getting under his skin.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yeah, in theory, I know that,” I admit.My mouth lifts.“In theory.”
“So, you don’t believe it?”
“Nah, I think I do.”I shake my head and pull the car over, so I can focus on our conversation instead of the road.She doesn’t question it.Doesn’t ask why we’re stopping.Hell, it’s like she can read my mind.My need to clear the air and get this off my chest no matter how hard it is to lay out all my dirty laundry for June to see.“I don’t know.”
“Keep going,” she whispers.“I want to hear everything.”
“It got worse after she died, but he still knew better than to hit me in the face where people could see.Or at least, he tried avoiding the face until we all started showing up with bruises because of fights.After that, it was free game, I guess.”
“Ford,” she chokes.And I swear, the pain in her voice could rival my own.“That’s…that’s awful.”
