Recalling the years of silent suffering wasn’t easy, but having Lina there made the memories a little less brutal. With her, the weight didn’t vanish. It subsided enough for me to breathe, even if I knew exactly what was waiting for me back home.
“Lina, I can only handle remembering so much at once,” I started, forcing the words. “There’s more, sure, but, for now, my father—he would suffocate me sometimes. He does suffocate me. Always finding some new way to see how long he can keep me under.
“At times, it was his men holding me down while they waterboarded me. Sometimes it was just him, putting a plastic bag over my head until everything went black. Those were the moments I thought,finally… finallyit’s over.
“After I met you, though, it changed. I held on longer. I fought harder. I wasn’t ready to die anymore.” I sighed, almost relieved that my life meant something again. “Last time, he kept the bag on too long, so I slammed the back of my head into his nose. Broke it. He lost it. I don’t know how many times he hit me—slaps, punches—then his men took over when he got tired.”
The memories blurred just like they always did. Those rooms weren’t meant to be remembered—only survived.
I paused, needing water, needing something. Before I could move, Lina was already leaning over me, uncapping the bottle and pressing it to my lips. She wouldn’t look at me. Her jaw was tight. She was sad again because of me.
“Why… Cezar… why do you letmehit you?”
“Because, Petal,” I whispered, placing a kiss on her forehead, “you make everything better.”
“Cezar, you don’t have to keep going.” Her voice was on the edge of crying—same as mine.
“I want to.” My voice cracked. “You’ve seen the scars on my back. You know it was him. He prefers a certain whip. A bullwhip. Cuts the deepest, lasts the longest.” I swallowed, staring at the ceiling. “Eventually, my body just stops feeling it.”
Trying to get out the rest of what I wanted to say, I pushed forward. “The burn marks—those are from his cigarettes. I fucking hate smoking. Often, he switches things up and heats a wooden poker instead. The one I hate most, though, is the pillory.
“He doesn’t use it much. Only when he thinks I need areallesson. Sometimes he locks me in on my knees. Sometimes bent forward but forced to stand. Every position hurts differently. I’m pretty sure half my back problems came from that goddamn thing. My brothers have no clue. Codrin always jokes that I move like an old man who needs a massage.” I laughed bitterly. Humor was easier than screaming. At least I still had them. Even if they resented me. Even if they didn’t know half of it.
The more I talked, the more frantic Lina’s touch became—her hands moving over me, not knowing where to settle, acting like she might tear her own skin apart if she didn’t anchor herself to mine. I kept running my fingers along her side, hoping it would help. It always gave her goose bumps, which made me happy.
I couldn’t go any further. My mind and body were done. I shifted Lina aside, covering my face with my hands. Lungs fighting off the panic attack.
Lina pressed a tender kiss at the base of my neck and worked her hands over my shoulders. The first touch made me rigid, but then her fingers massaged deeper. The way she touched me was comforting. She grabbed lotion, rubbed it between her palms, and over my back in slow strokes that felt so damn good.
It took me a while to speak. “Where did you learn to do that?”
She didn’t answer immediately. “Cezar… fuck, I—”
“Lina, please don’t pity me. I don’t deserve it,” I cut in, slumping forward, allowing her a better angle.
Her hands stilled for a second. Then she kept going, gentler this time.
“You’re not your father,” she said. “And what he’s done to you doesn’t define who you are. You aren’t weak, no matter how much he’s tried to make you believe that. This cruelty wasn’t chosen by either of us. Life fucked us over, but you’re not facing it alone anymore.”
In this moment, I knew I would never survive losing her.
As much as I savored her touch, I was on the verge of passing out. Letting some of my past come out to play had drained me. “Will you let me cuddle you again tonight?”
“Of course. But can I be the big spoon?” She snorted, wiping her hands before flopping beside me.
“You can do whatever you want, Petal.” I grinned at the image of her trying to do that.
Sometimes I couldn’t read her. She always hid behind sarcasm. “I was kidding, you big goof.” She rolled her eyes as she lay on her side waiting for me to close the gap between our bodies. Once again, I suffocated her in my hold. I would never let her go. No one could ever make me. No one.
Chapter 25
ADELINA
The sound was deafening, and my heart raced. My eyes shot open, scanning the room for any sign of danger. The wind hammered the house the same way it had that night—rain hitting the walls, wanting to rip them apart.
Anxiety ran through my veins, irrational but vicious. The memories tangled together, clawing at me, pulling me backwards. I clutched the covers tighter, seeking solace in Cezar’s peaceful slumber beside me.
It wasn’t enough.
