His face looked tired, but his shoulders loosened a bit. His hands kept moving, sure and nimble, as he worked on making what looked like a very fancy grilled cheese. When he spoke again his voice was almost pleading.
“I just want to know if you’re all right, if you can’t forgive me right now I understand, but if there’s any way I can help with whatever was going on today, I swear I won’t let you down.”
He glanced up then, like he was searching for something in the ceiling, and started talking again. “Did I push you too far last night? I hadn’t been like that with you before, and I know I can be intense in bed. Maybe I made you uncomfortable.”
I almost laughed at that, because of all the things that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, what we’d done together last night was definitely a silver lining.
“I was perfectly happy with how things were. I don’t want you to feel pressured or like I need more.”
“Are you sure?” He looked spooked. It was so wild to see Nesto like this, unsure.
I should’ve known he’d worry about it. We hadn’t had sex like that before, and it had been the first time I’d asked him to stay over. I had to remember my family would not even be on his radar; I’d barely talked to him about them.
I immediately made my way to him and pulled him so we were face to face. I put my hands against his chest, tugging his chin down, so he’d look at me.
“Last night was amazing,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m thirty years old and I had no idea I could let go like that.” I hugged him, wanting to get closer. “I loved it. You make me feel so good. I can’t get enough of you, of us together.”
I could feel Nesto exhale and relax. He kissed me softly and I was ready to leave the conversation for later when we broke apart.
“Okay, I’m glad I didn’t fuck all the way up, but what happened?” He turned around again to finish my sandwich and for a few minutes I watched him efficiently prepare my dinner, thinking about how to explain today to him.
He turned on the skillet, buttered bread, placed the Monterey Jack and sharp Cheddar he’d shredded, and added mustard and a slice of tomato. The smell of the butter toasting the bread on the pan made my stomach grumble again.
He smiled at that and lifted an eyebrow as he worked. After a few moments, he tossed the perfectly toasted bread onto my wooden cutting board and ran the knife down the center, making two perfect triangles. When he was done, he turned to me again, my dinner on a plate in his hands.
“Jude, I’ve tried to be respectful because I know it’s hard for you to talk about personal stuff, but if something is wrong, I really hope you can trust me enough to say something.”
I sighed and spoke in a low voice. I didn’t want to talk about any of this stuff, but if I didn’t it would just fester.
“I heard from my family today. My brother-in-law let me know my sister’s cancer is back.”
“I’m so sorry.” Nesto’s eyes softened and that only made the hole in my gut wider. I hated seeing pity on people’s faces. “When was the last time you saw your sister?”
Before I answered, I moved to grab a couple of beers from the fridge, then gestured for him to follow me to the living room. We sat on my couch, each against one end, our legs stretched out and tangled together. I took the sandwich from him and bit into it, suddenly feeling famished.
“Thanks again.”
He nodded and watched me eat in silence. I finished the whole thing in a few bites and took a long sip of my beer, as he patiently waited for me to start talking.
“I haven’t really talked with anyone in my family since I came out to them about four years ago.” His eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything. I looked away, shame almost choking me. “I told you about my sister Mary, she’s the one who got me into reading.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I remember. She took you to the library every week.”
I smiled, of course he remembered. “Right, she basically raised me and my two younger siblings after my mom died whenI was eight. Mary was nineteen and had just gotten married, but she took us home with her. She and Jesse—her husband—took care of us. My dad was never very nurturing, and after mom died he sort of shut down.”
Nesto leaned over so he could touch my face, his eyes full of concern. “I didn’t realize you’ve been on your own this whole time.”
I wanted to shrug it off, act like it was no big deal to be shunned by my family, and then I remembered I didn’t have to lie to Nesto. I put my hand over the one he had on my face and nodded.
“My family, well my whole town really, goes to this church. It’s ultra-conservative. I told you about the pastor before.” He gave me a terse nod, as if he could already tell where I was going with the story. “It was pretty awful, but my dad’s family has been part of the congregation for generations. So, when I realized I was gay, I locked all of it way down. I didn’t want to lose my family, so I told myself I’d just be celibate. If I didn’t act on it, I could just keep being me. In Honduras was when I realized celibacy was going to be a lot harder than I thought.”
I laughed, and looked at Nesto who was sitting very still, like he didn’t want to spook me.
I sighed. “Nothing even happened there, but I had the biggest crush on one of the local guys that came to the church. We just hung out and he took me around the country sightseeing and stuff. I wanted him so bad though, and I was miserable about it the whole time. After I got back, I went to a Christian college, which I actually loved in some ways, but wasn’t exactly a place to explore that side of myself.”
Nesto nodded as I spoke, and I stopped talking when he looked like he wanted to ask something. “Were you able to confide in anyone? You must have felt so alone.”
“I didn’t tell anyone; I was too scared. When I was in Rochester for graduate school, I met this guy, Elijah; he was also in school there.” I closed my eyes for this part. “He was in the closet, too, but we made plans to be together after we graduated. I’d gotten a job in the library at the state college in Cortland, so I’d be close to my family. I could see them often but was far away enough it wouldn’t be an issue if they needed time once I came out.”
