When there was no response on the other end, I looked at the screen and saw it wasn’t Carmen. The number wasn’t one I recognized, but the area code was familiar. One I had not seen in a long time.
“Jude, hon, is that you?” A woman’s tinny voice asked over the phone. “It’s your cousin, Esther.”
“Esther,” I breathed out. I’d stopped the car halfway out of my drive and was now sitting there feeling stunned. Esther was one of my older cousins, our mothers had been sisters. She was the only person out of my entire family who’d told me to stay in touch when I finally left town.
She came to my house the night before I moved to Ithaca and told me she loved me and hoped I found someone who I could be happy with. She was a good woman, and I was grateful for the kindness she’d shown me, but I hadn’t heard from her in the three years since. If Esther was calling, something very bad was happening.
“Hon, I’m sorry to call you with bad news, but Jesse asked me to get in touch with you.” Jesse was my sister Mary’s husband.
My stomach sank.
“Did something happen to Mary or one of the kids?” I asked, fearing the worst.
She sighed heavily and I felt myself starting to panic. “The cancer’s back, hon.” Esther always did get straight to the point. “She collapsed at home three nights ago, and they took her to Rochester. It looks like it’s metastasized to most of her body. Jesse says they’ll run more tests, but things aren’t looking good. He thought you’d like to know.”
As the information sank in, ice replaced the blood in my veins. Mary’s cancer was back. She’d been in remission for over ten years, we all thought she was out of the woods after she’d hit the five-year mark.
Mary turning her back on me after I came out had almost broken me. The hurt from her rejection was still an open wound. But hearing she was sick made me realize how much I’d missed my sister.
I sat there knowing I should say something, but nothing came out. When I opened my mouth, a sob almost escaped my throat. I took a deep breath and tried again.
“Umm, where do they have her now? Did Jesse say if it was okay for me to call him?”
After everything that happened when I came out, my four siblings, using Mary as their speaker, had politely requested Inever contact them again. So now I needed permission before I called to ask about my sister who was dying.
Esther’s strained voice startled me. “Jude, honey. I’m so sorry for the way we treated you. I’ve never felt right about any of it. Your father was a damn stubborn man, and Mary…” She sighed again, and this time I could hear the bone-deep weariness in her voice. “She never was able to go against anything that bigot Paul Jones was spouting from his pulpit, even when it broke her heart not to.”
I heard some shuffling and then it sounded like she’d put me on speaker. “Anyway, Jesse asked me to give you his cell phone number, and said you could call him anytime. I’m not sure if he told Mary he was going to send word to you or not.”
Esther gave me Jesse’s number and ended the call saying she’d be late for church. I thanked her for letting me know and told her I’d get in touch with him. Still sitting in the car, I dialed Jesse’s number before I lost my nerve. After two rings he picked up.
“Jesse here.”
“Jesse, it’s me, Jude. Esther told me about Mary. Thank you for asking her to call me.”
I heard muffled noises, like he was covering the phone and talking to someone else. After a few seconds he spoke again.
“Hi. It’s good to hear from you. How are you doing?”
I almost laughed. Jesse was asking me how I was doing when his wife was in the hospital.
I suppressed a sigh and tried to keep my voice steady. “I’m good. Thanks for asking. How’s Mary doing?”
He cleared this throat, but his voice came out hoarse, like he was trying to keep from crying. “It’s not good, Jude.” I gripped the steering wheel, dreading what he was going to say. “They’re not sure it’s worth doing chemo. She’s been feeling off for a whilebut didn’t say anything. You know your sister. Stubborn.” I could picture him shaking his head.
“How are the kids? Do they know?”
Their two kids had to be in elementary and middle school by now. When I left, Faith, the oldest, had just started third grade and Micah was almost five. A wave of sadness flooded at the thought that I’d probably never be a part of their lives.
Jesse started to answer, and I could hear him choke up. “We told them last night. They’re scared and angry, but mostly they just want Mom to come home. They’re staying with my brother and his wife while we’re out here,” he said in a strangled voice. “She’s the heart of our family, Jude. How are we going to go on without her?”
“I’m so sorry, Jesse.” I let him cry and after a minute he was back in control.
“I’d like for you to come and see her at the hospital. I’ll talk to her before you come to make sure she’s up to it, but I know she’d like to see you. I know it’s a lot to ask, especially after the way things went with you all, but Mary has never forgiven herself for what happened. It would do her good to see you.”
At this I almost lost my composure, wanting to cry for my sister, for myself. For the screwed-up way we were raised to see the world. All that black and white.
But I was long past crying over the senseless ways my family’s misguided morals fucked with all our lives. “Of course I’ll see her. When can I come?”
