His eyes got serious for a moment then he picked up his beer and took a long sip.
“There are a lot of guys we grew up with who weren’t as lucky. And that’s my story about how I got into cooking.”
I smiled at him. “I love hearing you talk about your mom and your friends. You have such incredible bonds with them; you light up telling those stories.” I didn’t mean to sound wistful, but I did. I couldn’t help it.
He reached over and grabbed my hand, like he was going to ask me something. So far he’d been respectful of my weird silences whenever we talked about family. He’d stopped asking about them after a couple of uncomfortable moments, like thatfirst night he offered to make dinner. Suddenly I felt frustrated with myself. I wanted to be more open with Nesto, to tell him about my life.
After I left home I’d been so resentful of all the time I’d wasted hiding my sexuality from my family. Sometimes the regret I felt for the lost time could make me forget there had been good times, too. But now, here with Nesto, I thought about some of those happy memories, and found I wanted to tell him about some of the things which shaped my life.
“My sister Mary was the one who got me into reading. She wanted to be a writer, but my dad was dead set against any of my sisters going to college.” I frowned, remembering his lectures about a woman’s place being “in the home taking care of their families.” “He was barely okay with them finishing high school. Mary especially never had a chance; she was the oldest and basically ran our house after my mom got sick. But she loved books—she always read to us. She walked my brothers and sisters and me to get books at the library every week.”
“I’m glad she gave you that.” Nesto squeezed my hand as I spoke, his eyes focused on me.
“Once I caught the reading bug, I never looked back. The library was a haven for me. After I realized I was gay, I practically lived there.”
“Oh Jude.”
I shook my head remembering those days. How lonely I’d felt, how much I yearned to someday find a safe place, a safe person I could be myself with. Here with Nesto, I felt so close to that refuge I’d longed for.
“When I felt like I was going to lose my mind worrying about what would happen if my family found out, I went to the library and read about other places, other people, other ways of thinking and living. It was such a comfort just to know the world was big and there was probably space out there for someone likeme. It pulled me out of a lot of dark times. That’s why the mobile library is such a big deal to me,” I said, my voice wobbly all of a sudden.
Nesto stood up and walked around the table where I was sitting and pulled me up for a hug.
“See? This is what happens when I talk about myself,” I said in a shaky voice. “Weirdness.”
He shook his head and squeezed me tighter. “It’s not weird, babe. I’m just glad we both had people in our lives who cared enough about us to give us things to be passionate about. You had books, and I had the shop and my friends. We’re lucky.” He turned my face around to kiss me. By this point he knew his kisses were a sure way to distract me. I immediately responded, wrapping my arms around his neck, sliding my tongue into his mouth.
His body was warm and felt so solid against me. I didn’t want to do anything to mess with this, with him being here. I didn’t want to go too much into my family issues. I wasn’t sure someone with one as supportive as his could understand how messed up things got with mine.
He pulled back, his eyes hungry, like he could devour me. I’d never had someone look at me with so much want. Like he was barely able to keep his hands to himself. I pushed up and gave him another kiss, and he squeezed me hard. After a moment, I let go and turned around to pick up the dishes from the table.
He groaned in protest, calling after me in a whiny voice. “No, where are you going? Come back.”
I laughed and shook my head. “If we go down that road we won’t clean up and we both have early days tomorrow.”
He pouted as he started to help bring dishes into the kitchen. “You’re too good. Ven aca, dame otro beso,” he said, pulling me back for one last kiss.
“I’ll help you with these before I head out. I have to get the food prep done early because I have lunch service by the library, and I have to get everything ready for the festival, too. There’s a lot of hype already; the organizer I talked to today said they were expecting about a hundred charter buses with people coming from all over the state. Since I don’t have the B&B gig anymore, I’m hoping this weekend will get us some new clients. Are you going to be able to come and help?”
“Yeah, I want to be there for you.” At my words, Nesto stopped what he was doing and looked up at me. The intensity in his eyes made the moment feel a lot bigger than I intended. Unsure of how to react, I cleared my throat and got busy cleaning up dishes as I spoke. “I’ve been hearing a lot of buzz about it, too. Everyone at the library is going.”
Nesto didn’t respond right away, and he kept his eyes locked with mine. When he spoke, his voice was almost breathless. “I’m glad you’ll be there,” he said as we worked together to clean the kitchen. “It’s an all-hands-on-deck kind of thing. Yin and Ari will be there, plus my mom and sis, and as of this afternoon Juanpa, Milo, and Patrice confirmed they’d come up for it, too.”
I smiled at how happy he looked talking about his friends, even though I felt a little nervous about meeting them. “That’s great that your friends can come.”
“They’ve helped me at events before, so they know what to do. My mom will be happy to hear you’ll be there.” He looked at me with a mischievous smile because he knew the mention of a conversation with his mom would freak me out. “She’s been asking about you. Said she hasn’t had a chance to talk to you yet!”
“It will be nice to see your mom again,” I said, blushing.
He laughed, “Riiiight, I can hear you freaking out inside your head from here.” He bent and kissed my hair. “You’ll be fine. She’s mostly harmless.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, that helps.”
He winked like I was being silly. “Don’t worry. I promise she won’t get on your case. As far as she knows, you’re my very awesome neighbor who I’ve been hanging out with a lot.” Ouch. That one hurt, more than I thought it would. Then I reminded myself that this way we could just stay like we were. No complications.
“Okay, let’s get the rest of this stuff cleaned up. I have my meeting at 7:45 a.m. sharp.” Nesto made a sympathetic face at the early meeting time. “We scheduled it so the board members who have to be at their own jobs before nine could also attend. Between the meeting being at the crack of dawn, and Misty, I want to be at my best tomorrow.”
At the mention of her name, his face hardened. He shook his head in disgust as he started the dishwasher.
