Miles considered the question."Maybe it’s because last time we were here, I was trying to convince you I was fine.And now we both know I'm not."
Sarah turned on her stool to face him more directly."You want to talk about what happened at the museum?"
"Not really."
"But you probably should."
Miles drank the rest of his bourbon and signaled the bartender for another."What do you want me to say?That I lost control?That I broke a man's arm and would have kept going if Vic hadn't stopped me?We both know that already."
"I want you to tell me what you're thinking about it.Not what you wrote in the report."
Miles looked at her.Sarah's expression was open, genuinely concerned.There was no judgment there, no assessment of his fitness for duty.Just someone trying to understand.
"I'm scared," Miles said quietly."Of my own capacity for violence.Of how little control I have over it anymore.When I was holding Hartley's arm, when I felt it break, there was this part of me that was glad.That wanted to hurt him more.And I don't know where that came from or how to make it stop."He sighed, shrugged, and took a drink.
Sarah nodded slowly."Kane escaping really did a number on you."
"It's not just that.It's everything.Every case, every disciple, every victim.It all just builds up and I don't know how to process it.And now Kane is out there, probably planning his next move and laughing his ass off that he was able to escape so easily.And I'm sitting here realizing I might be becoming as dangerous as the people I'm supposed to catch."
"You're not becoming like them," Sarah said firmly."You're traumatized.There's a difference.Come on, Miles.You can’t be serious, comparing yourself to these disciples."
"I appreciate that, but from where I'm sitting, the line feels pretty thin."
The bartender delivered their next round of drinks.Miles took a sip and felt the warmth spread through his chest.Dutch courage, his father used to call it.Liquid bravery for conversations you didn't want to have.He also made a rule for himself; this had to be his last one.He was starting to feel a little buzzed.
"Hayes and Vic think I should step back from the Elementalist cases," Miles said."Focus on other work for a month or so.Give myself space to heal…or something like that."
"I know.Hayes told me his thoughts on it."
"What do you think?"
Sarah was quiet for a moment, considering her answer."I think they're wrong.At least partially.But if it comes back to me that I said that, I’ll deny it,” she added with a cute smirk.
Miles looked at her in surprise.
"Don't get me wrong," Sarah continued."You absolutely need help.You need to keep going to therapy, you need support, you need to address what's happening inside your head.But stepping away from these cases?I don't think that's the answer."
"Why not?"
"Because without you, we wouldn't have caught as many disciples as quickly as we did.Your understanding of Kane, your ability to think like he does, your instincts about how these killers operate, that's invaluable.We need that.The victims need that."
"But if I'm barely holding it together..."
"Then you put in the work," Sarah said."You keep going to therapy.You lean on the people who care about you.You do whatever it takes to stay healthy enough to do this job.But walking away entirely?That just means more people die while other agents try to catch up to where you already are."
Miles absorbed her words.It was the first time anyone had suggested he might be doing the right thing by staying involved, even if his methods were becoming questionable.
"You really think I can handle this?"he asked.
"I think you're barely handling it now.But I also think you have the tools to get better if you actually use them.That means being honest with Dr.Mitchell.That means accepting help when people offer it.That means admitting when you're struggling instead of pretending everything is fine."
"I'm not very good at those things."
"Then learn.Because the alternative is what happened at the museum, except next time maybe Vic isn't there to pull you off.And then we're all screwed."
Miles finished his drink and set the glass down carefully.Sarah was right.He had been treating therapy like a box to check, something to prove to Hayes that he was functional.But he hadn't actually been doing the work.Hadn't been honest about how bad things had gotten.
"I'll try," he said finally."I can't promise it'll work, but I'll try."
