“Seriously? You’re sending me to see a shrink?” He raised an eyebrow, and I dropped my gaze. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. Of course psychiatrists are wonderful for the field, but I don’t need one.”
“Well, that’s the only way you’re getting out of taking time off. You either book a vacation, preferably somewhere sunny, or see Dr. Collins for a psychological fitness report. I don’t see what the big deal is. If there isn’t a problem, like you claim, then it should be a piece of cake.”
“Fine.” I tucked the card into my shirt pocket. “I’ll make an appointment with Dr. Collins.”
“It’s already made. She’s expecting you tomorrow morning at ten. Show up.”
I didn’t argue. It was useless. I could tell he’d already made up his mind, and he’d given me a way out of the bereavement leave. If—whenI aced the session, he would finally give the subject a rest.
“Okay, I’ll go to the session, but you have to promise you’ll stop harassing me about a leave when you get the report that I am fine.”
After a moment he stood, walking around the desk to lean against its edge. His voice softened slightly. “I’m sorry if it feels like harassment, but I’m doing this because I care. You’re forgetting you’re not the only one who has ever lost a spouse.”
I’d forgotten about that. His wife had died long before I started working at the hospital. He’d been a loner when Icame on board, but after a while of talking to him, even when he gave me the cold shoulder, he started coming around.
“After Pam died, I almost lost everything because I didn’t handle the grief properly. No one around me saw the signs of how badly I was doing, working myself into an early grave because it made it easier to forget.”
“You have Hao now.”
Hao was the paramedic who found Dr. Hargrove unresponsive five years ago after the doctor overdosed from grieving his wife. Hao pulled him back from the edge that night, first with a defibrillator and steady hands, and later with patience, stubborn compassion, and a refusal to let him disappear into himself again.
Somewhere in the years that followed, the man who saved his life became the man he couldn’t imagine living without. They had been living together for the past four months.
Hargrove smiled, the lines in his face becoming more pronounced. He’d found love again after losing his wife, and with someone unexpected. I’d heard his story several times, of how he hadn’t been looking. That the last person he would have expected to spend the rest of his life with was another man.
Just the thought of loving someone else after Brad made me queasy. Sex I could do. Sex was easy. Brad and I had it often enough with other men we didn’t care about, but I would have to be a glutton for punishment to go through this again by giving my heart to someone else.
“Hao was unexpected, but he came at the right time,” Hargrove said. “You’re young and?—”
I scrambled to my feet. “Respectfully, sir, I’m not looking to replace my husband.”
“Who said anything about replacing him?” He eased off the desk. “Hao taught me loving someone else doesn’t mean you start pretending your first love didn’t happen,but that’s besides the point. I fear we may have gone off track. All I meant is that the way you feel today won’t necessarily be how you feel in another year or two. So give yourself the grace when you need it to process your grief in a healthy way. The minute you feel like all this is too much and you need to reset, let me know. Don’t try to push through it and ignore the signs. That’s malpractice waiting to happen.”
My shoulders relaxed. “I appreciate all that you’re doing for me, Hargrove. I really do.”
I’d given up my family and friends to keep them safe. The downside was that I had no one to turn to about anything. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist wasn’t such a bad idea, but how helpful could it be since I couldn’t talk about the things that bothered me? Like a six-foot-four scary Mafia man who tracked my every movement.
He nodded, apparently satisfied enough to let it go.
“Come on,” he said, grabbing his jacket. “Walk with me. I need coffee before having to face the chief of police.”
“What’s that about?”
We stepped into the hallway together.
“Second body found this month with the same MO. Severely beaten with a high concentration of drugs in their system. It seems like a new drug has hit the streets. We’re looking at links to the uptick in overdosed patients we’ve had recently. One was the governor’s youngest son, so there’s pressure on the chief of police to find answers.”
“I see.”
“On a lighter note, I’m thinking of doing something that might either be a big mistake or one of the best decisions of my life.”
“That sounds ominous.”
“I’m thinking of proposing.”
I blinked at him. “Wow, that’s exciting.”
“Isn’t it? I never thought I’d get married again, especially at this age.”
