A soft smile formed on his perfect lips. He bent down, meeting my gaze. “I could ask you the same thing.”
“I’m at home. But you’re here. And you don’t have to be here. Why?”
“I told you …” He shrugged. “I can’t walk away.”
“What does this mean?”
Spence searched my eyes. “It means what I said.”
Reaching out to him, I brushed my fingers over his chiseled jaw. “I’m still married.”
“You are.”
“If you keep doing this, I might not be able to run away from you.”
“Is that what you did then?”
The air changed around us and everything in the room—the Christmas tree in the corner, the lamp on the table, thetelevision in the background—faded away. In the past, I would’ve changed the subject, pulled away, closed off the part of myself that always felt too much whenever he was around.
“I can’t tell you,” I whispered.
“You can tell me anything.”
I shook my head. “If I do, then the last twenty-five years didn’t mean anything, and I know it did.”
He held my hand against his face, placed a soft kiss to my palm. “Two things can be true at the same time. But … you can also have a regret so big that it takes up all the empty space in your mind.”
“Is that how you feel?”
“Are you ready to hear how I feel?”
“Spence,” I bit down on my bottom lip, “you told me that you wanted me.”
“I do,” he confirmed. “I also wantthis. The conversations. The silent understanding. The jokes. The work.”
“Can we have all of that?”
“We have it now.” He rested his forehead against mine. My body ached with the need to touch him. Tobetouched. Tingles flitted across my skin, from the tips of my fingers to my toes. He hadn’t even kissed me yet, but it felt like he did. “But we can have more.”
I want more.
I loved Rod, I’d built a life with him. I still cared for him. But …
I love Spence, too. How could that be true? How could I have spent years with one man and still feel so much for another? “I still can’t say it.”
Spence kissed my brow. “You don’t have to. I already know. I told you what I wanted. When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.” He stood. “Until then, this doesn’t change anything. I’m here for you. Always.” He scanned the room. “Now, what should I throw out first?”
Smiling, I looked at that ugly-ass clock on the end table, the one Rod’s mother bought us for our wedding. “Throw that shit away.”
“I got you.”
For the next several hours, I pointed out the things I didn’t want anymore, and Spencepurged. Something happened at the Mistletoe Match that had changed the game for us, opened a door that I once thought was closed forever. Yet, the questions remained …Am I ready? Can I cross the line?
I still wasn’t sure where this would lead. Spence was a man of his word,theman I could always count on. He was my colleague, my friend.Can he be my lover?Can I let him? The emotional distance between us hadn’t changed the underlying need to be there for each other. Even if it was a simple save at a dating event or a thoughtful gift during a rough time. I knew I could call him if I needed him. He would never make crazy demands for my time or energy. He’d never hold what he did for me over my head. He wouldn’t expect anything in return. And for the first time in a long time, I felt safe. I felt hope.I feel free.
CHAPTER 4
You’re All I Need to Get By
