Demi’s expression softened. “I understand why you feel the way you do, but it’s still not your fault.”
Hearing her say that, knowing she didn’t look at me differently healed the part of me that had died with Trinity. All the guilt, whether misplaced or not, seemed to evaporate away.
“You were young and desperate to claw your way out of your predicament,” she continued. “Carolyn took advantage of that. She knew better.”
“I fucked up before I even met Carolyn.”
“You did. She still sucks, though.” She squeezed my hand, brushing her thumb over mine. “Duke, we all make mistakes. Then we try to fix them, and sometimes make it worse—when all we had to do was ask for help. But something good came out of it too. Medicine wasn’t your calling. When you left, regardless of how it happened, you were able to pursue your passion. You can’t regret that. If you’d stayed in medical school, you would’ve been unhappy, and I would’ve had to call you Dr. Duke.”
I chuckled. “Don’t do that.”
“It’s the truth. As far as the escort thing, it’s not like you were innocent anyway.”
Demi had said nothing but the truth. I wasn’t a boy scout. I stayed in trouble for one reason or another. I definitely enjoyed women. And I’d had a lot of sex. I was never ashamed of it either. At least, not until today. “When you put it like that...” I said sarcastically.
She giggled. “Just being honest. I did live with you for years, and I know your old motto. What was it? ‘Fuck them hoes and—’”
“Don’t say it,” I interrupted. “I was a cocky asshole back then.”
“You were. You’re better now, though. Which is exactly my point. Bottom line, we all have a past. Some of it is not pretty. What you’ve done doesn’t define you or make you a bad person. It makes you human. I have no doubt that Ma and Pop would’ve told you the same thing if you’d shared this with them back then. They love you—and so do I. You’re a big deal. Your face and body are fine as hell, but this,” she pressed her hand over my pounding heart, “is what makes you beautiful. It’s time to forgive yourself and move on.”
I brushed my finger over her jawline before I tugged her to me, hugging her. “Thank you,” I murmured, burying my face in her neck. For the first time in years, I felt peace about my past. “I’ve never talked about Carolyn like this to anyone.” Xavier knew the story, but I’d hadn’t given him this much detail.
Demi pulled back, searching my eyes. “I can see why. I’m glad you told me.”
It felt good to get it out. “It was hard to see her like that,” I confessed.
“You were in love with her.”
Most of my family probably assumed I’d loved Carolyn back then. But I knew now that what I felt for her wasn’t love. “I didn’t love her,” I admitted.
“Really?”
“The only woman I’ve ever been in love with is you.”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“You said that no man had ever told you they loved you. Well, I’ve never told another woman that I loved her.”
She beamed at me. “I actually love that.” She wrapped her arms around my waist, and we settled onto the mattress again, legs intertwined, bodies pressed together. She traced the faint scar on my side. “I’m your first.”
A weight had been lifted with this conversation. As we fell asleep in each other’s arms, I thought about her being my first. And my last.My only.
ChapterSixteen
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
Demi
Iofficially moved to Atlanta two weeks after the wedding. Between travel and work, Duke and I hadn’t seen much of each other. But when we did, we’d made the most of our time together.
While neither of us were novices when it came to the opposite sex, it felt like we were discovering things as though we were. Not only was he the first man to tell me he loved me, but he was also the first man I felt comfortable sleeping with all night. He was the first man I could be quiet with, in peace without worrying about the things I didn’t say. I wanted to be near him all the time, even on my bad days, even on the days I would’ve normally preferred silence. I woke up thinking about him and I went to bed with him on my mind. I even dreamed about him during the night.
Duke walked into my new condo, carrying a box. “Hey, baby.”
I closed the dishwasher door. “Hey, love.” I repurposed my own nickname for him. It was my way of telling him how much I loved him all the time—no matter what.
He kissed me once. Then again. And one more time. “You look like you’re ready to sit on my dick.”
