Idon’t sleep. Each time I close my eyes, I see my father, the way I remember him—yelling at me, calling Josie names, telling me I’ll never amount to anything—without him. He was wrong. I know I proved that over and again, but he never learned it from me. His information was all second-hand. Never from my mouth. I’ve never been one to gloat, but I feel like facing off with him would’ve been a time to do it. To prove I am everything without him, to show him what I achieved despite him.
To show him my family. My perfect fucking family that gets to live their lives because I walked away from my parents when I was eighteen.
I will not cry for this man because he doesn’t deserve the effort it takes.
Josie holds on to me most of the night. She said she would. Near dawn I give up on rest and lie there listening to her breathe and the furnace kick on and off. I think about a man I’ve spent most of my life trying not to think about. Every time I get close to sleep the nurse’s voice comes back, and I’m awake again, thinking about how my life would’ve been different if I had listened to him.
Thank god I didn’t.
By the time the sun comes up I know I’m going back. Not because he asked. He didn’t. Because I’ve spent months telling strangers to go while the other person’s still breathing, and I’d be a coward to lie here and not do the thing I hand out for free five nights a week.
Josie doesn’t ask where I’m going. She hands me coffee in a travel cup and my keys, and says she’ll be home all day, that the twins are bringing the babies over, and all I have to do is call if I need her. The thing is, I need her all the time, but she doesn’t owe Sterling shit. He’s not worthy of her presence.
I text Bex.
No show tonight, something has come up. Rerun?
Bex
I’ll take care of the show. You take care of you.
Going into business with someone as young as Bex was a risk—one that has paid off—she knows how to run a show and does it effortlessly.
Harrison texts before I’m out of the driveway, asking if I want him to tag along. I tell him no. He’s been my second, my best friend, my go-to, for as long as I can remember, but this part I need to do on my own. He lets me know he’ll be around all day, and I know he will be.
The drive across town is slower than it should be. Christmas lights hang off the houses, most of them dark this early. I can’t wait to be out looking at lights with my family.
I’m in no hurry to walk back into that smell and take the long way, driving past the house I grew up in. There was a time when I thought I’d buy it but wanted nothing to do with it. I don’tknow who lives there now. I could find out, but what’s the point. I just hope whoever it is, is a better husband and father than the man who owned it previously. I’m in no hurry to walk back into that smell.
There are more cars in the parking lot now. Shift change, more people on staff. I see Nick, standing by his car. I park and get out, walking toward him.
“Paige told Mack.”
“And you what?”
He holds his hands up. “I’m here for rounds and saw you pull in,” he says in his defense. I feel like an ass.
“I’m sorry, I’m on edge.”
“I get it,” he says. “I know you don’t need anyone. In the event you do, tell the nurses to page me and I’ll stop by.”
I nod and follow him in. Everyone says hi to him, even the pretty nurses. I look at him and shake my head. “What’s going on with Teagan?”
“Nothing, why?”
“Did you ask her out yet?”
He pauses at the bank of elevators and runs his hand through his hair. “I asked her out for coffee.”
“Did you go?”
Nick shakes his head slowly.
“Why not?”
“Well, I didn’t exactly set a time.”
I want to slap my face. “What did you say to her?”
