In an instant, Jaxon abandoned the spot he’d nestled into between my legs and launched himself up the bed toward me. His eyes searched mine while his lips parted with concern buried beneath questions that had me scrunching my eyes closed and trying to shield my face from him with my hands.
Jaxon slipped his hands tenderly under my body, lifting me into the safety of his arms, centered sideways across his lap, cradling my fragile body, which shook uncontrollably in a fit of hysteria as he covered me with a blanket.
“I’ve got you, Lily. I’ve got you.” His voice was soft and sincere.
I knew he intended his words to help soothe me, but I felt myself slipping into darkness. I clung tightly to his biceps wrapped around my chest as fresh tears spilled onto his skin where my nails were seeking anchor. His other hand moved in slow, soothing strokes up and down my back, trying to ground me from the center of the storm that was bearing down on me with relentless force.
I tried to mentally run through the five-senses grounding technique I practiced when these feelings hit, naming what I could see, touch, hear, smell, and taste, but I failed miserably.
Spiraling into a darkened, unforgiving abyss.
Overcome with sorrow, cursing myself and my decisions. The pain bestowed upon me was my karma for all the grief, anger, and pain I’d caused Jaxon.
I didn’t deserve his compassion.
I didn’t know how to accept it with grace when he offered his forgiveness freely, like I hadn’t left a brutal scar slashed across his heart. The weight of it all stole my breath, gripping my throatwith mighty vengeance, pressing down until I couldn’t see. My room blurred, and my ears filled with static.
My world was slipping through my fingers faster than I could comprehend, as my lifeline, wrapped in skin and blanketed in warmth, shifted. With one arm wrapped firmly around my waist and his other under my thighs, I was weightless, floating hurriedly with purpose.
I knew without opening my eyes where he was taking me.
A place that was ours.
A place that didn’t make sense, but once provided a safe refuge to express my fears, free from the inevitable look of sorrow, pity, and hurt that I knew would be evident on his face if I stepped into the light under the heavy weight of my confessions.
I’d felt so brave, strong, and renewed jumping out of that plane, and now all that perspective was a jumbled mess of puzzle pieces scattered all over my brain like rubble weighing me down, threatening my efforts as I tried clawing my way back to the surface.
Jaxon’s reassuring voice sounded worlds away, but with him by my side, I’d always fight.
Fight for him.
Fight for us.
Trauma took on many faceless shapes. It was a powerful menace, surfacing without permission when we least expected or felt equipped to handle it. Blindsiding us with unspeakable sorrow. Magnifying our worries to the point we could easily doubt our strength and ability to come out on the other side.
Brushing it under the carpet only worked for so long before you needed to acknowledge and accept it would always be a partof you. Part of your story. But that didn’t mean I owed it any power over me going forward.
I was in control.
The battleships waging a war over my psyche, trying to hold me back and pull me further under, needed to surrender. I was stronger than this. I dug deep, knowing that without the past anguish, I wouldn’t be where I was now. I wouldn’t be here with the man I trusted with every fiber of my being.
The love of my life, I’d willingly give my everything for.
The one person who deserved all the rawness of my truth.
The only man I trusted to handle the broken pieces of me with care.
I had no idea how much time had passed by the time I found my voice. “Hiding in the closet used to be our place, the spot we’d hide so I didn’t get caught by your parents or brothers when I needed to leave my house in the middle of the night to escape hearing my parents fight. Sometimes it felt silly and didn’t always make sense, but you gave me a safe place to be, even though the reality was, wherever you were,wasmy safe place.” I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “What I didn’t know at the time was that you were giving me a connection. A private gateway to you whenever I was sad, lonely, or scared.”
Jaxon kissed the top of my head as his grip tightened around me.
“I started having panic attacks after my car accident. I didn’t know if the medication I was on triggered them or if it was all the internalized shame and guilt I tried to suppress, knocking me down a peg or two,” I confessed, leaning back and tucking my head under Jaxon’s chin as I placed my hand over his heart. “There was a period of time when I got them a lot. My ex lovedto berate me, said it was childish, and if I wanted to hide in a closet, he’d happily lock me in one.”
Jaxon groaned with displeasure but didn’t say a word. I could only imagine what was filtering through his thoughts as I felt his jaw clench against my forehead, likely from grinding his teeth as he held back his feelings toward Aiden.
“He hurt me in ways that really broke my faith and trust in humanity. It made me guarded with my space and who I let into it. But with you, I don’t have those same concerns or worries. You’ve never judged me or given me any reason to doubt you. I got lost in my head earlier because I gave away something that was once yours.”
“Lily,” he breathed my name softly, as if to say I hadn’t done anything wrong.
