It was the moment I’d longed for: the time to lay everything on the table.
I shifted my position and turned to face her, wanting her undivided attention. “I know you have this idea of me in your head, I swear on my family’s honor, it’s not true. Have I made decisions that make things look a certain way over the years? Yes, I have, but I’m not that guy. Truth is, I haven’t been him forquite some time. Being with anyone else felt wrong because all I think about is you.”
“I’m not blind, deaf, or stupid, Jameson, so please don’t treat me as such.”
“Never said you were, just remember, perception isn’t always reality.”
“You don’t owe me anything.” The vulnerability she wore on her sleeve when I arrived was a distant memory. Her protective walls were layering up by the second.
“That’s where you’re wrong. I’ve let you think I was a player on purpose.”
“Why?” She seemed unsure. Surprised by my admission. “Why would you do something like that?”
“At first, it wasn’t a stretch of the imagination. Being the starting quarterback in high school, followed by my time in the fire academy, certainly had its advantages, you could say.” I paused, searching for the right words to explain my reckless behavior. “I won’t sit here and say I’m proud of that period in my life because I’m not. I fully acknowledge I was an immature ass at the end of school and particularly afterward. I’ve always owned my actions and taken responsibility, but if the truth be told, after the semi-formal dance back in high school, my feelings were hurt . . . My ego didn’t cope with your rejection well.”
“My rejection?” she parroted, slapping her hand over her chest.
“Yeah, yours. I know we ran in different friend circles, but we weren’t strangers either; we’d known each other our whole lives. Ari, you were my first crush, and I’d harbored that secret for years. Then, that night, holding you in my arms at the dance only intensified my desire to get to know you better. Then afterward, it was like a switch flipped, and you looked at me with disgust every day after.”
“And you never questioned why?”
“No. At the time, I was too mad. God, Ari, I was so fucking stoked when the guys suggested we all grab a girl to dance with; I knew, without a doubt, you were the one I wanted. I?—”
“Then why?” Her eyes welled with fresh, unshed tears. “Why did you agree with the horrible things the guys said about me and a few of the other girls afterward?”
I jerked back in legitimate surprise. “What are you talking about?”
“I heard you with the guys after, the things they said?—”
“Fuck,” I groaned as the reasons I’d long searched for slammed into me all at once. “Ari, I . . .” I hung my head in shame and swallowed back the bile that threatened to spill as my memory came flooding back.
Meeting up with the guys in the locker room after, the flasks filled with vodka Will and Drew had snuck in, and the smack talk and joking at the girl’s expense.
My stomach wanted to revolt as the adult in me was disgusted by our behavior. While I wasn’t the instigator, it took me longer than I cared to admit to step up and stop it. As a quarterback with a leadership role on the team, the onus was on me to keep the guys in line. Not only did I fail the guys, but most importantly, I failed Ari and the other girls.
“I’m sorry, Arizona. If I could go back to that day and?—”
“We don’t always get do-overs.”
“No, we can, however, learn from our mistakes. Did I let the guys blow off some steam before I stopped them? Yes, I’m guilty, but I cross my heart,” I made the motion, “and swear that I shut that shit down when it turned personal. My parents taught me better than that. I . . . I?—”
“It doesn’t matter; it’s all in the past.”
“Don’t negate your feelings. The consequences of my actions in the past still live on between us in the present.”
The tears sliding unhurriedly down her cheeks gutted me, surpassing my anger toward myself for being oblivious to the remote possibility that she, or anyone, had heard the locker room chatter that night. The fact that she’d been holding on to this and hadn’t said a word until now?—
“I’m truly so sorry, Arizona. I’m sorry that you heard us guys; I’m sorry that you’ve held this hurt inside for all these years, but most importantly,” I cupped the sides of her cheeks and brushed my thumbs gently over them, wiping away her tears, “you’re not broken. What Drew said was utter bullshit. You’re the strongest, most resilient woman I know. Yes, you and your dad suffered an immeasurable loss, one that would throw anyone’s life off-balance, and yet you didn’t let it. You pushed forward with your head held high; you don’t take shit from anyone, me included. While I honestly didn’t know until tonight that you heard the guys, I’m ashamed of my part in it, but I’m also so unbelievably proud of you because you deserve the world, Ari. You deserve to be treated with the utmost respect always.”
“Why are you here, Jameson?”
I dropped my hands to hers.
“I’m here because I knew you were hurting after the call today, and the thought of you drowning in your feelings by yourself didn’t sit well with me.”
“Why?”
“I think you know why. I care about you; I always have.”
